Thinking about buying a car? Are you scared of falling prey to wily car salesmen? Don't be afraid, this is the document the car dealers didn't want you to find.

Alan Ford's guide to Buying a Car

Buying a motor vehicle will be one of the most important decisions you ever make. The car you buy says a lot about you, your personality and the types of cars you normally buy.

The first thing you need to decide on is the type of vehicle that best suits your needs. For example, if you're a farmer then you probably want something to impress women. If you are a doctor, then you'll need something that you can easily drive while inebriated. If you're a truck driver then you'll probably need a boat.

What Features to look for in a car.

It is important to make a check list of the features that are important for you in a car. For example, many people want driver's side airbags. Others want an inbuilt FM radio and still others want air-conditioning. Many of us would prefer to have both airbags and an FM radio, while the are individuals who would rather have airbags and air-conditioning. It is often said that several sections of the community would be interested in cars with and FM radio and air-conditioning, but others within our society favor an FM radio, airbags and air-conditioning.
 

How to compare brands of vehicles.

The most objective source of information about the caliber of a car, are television commercials. You can indirectly tell how well a car is built by discerning how expensive and lavish a commercial advertising the car is.

For example, if you happen to see that commercials from one particular car company are a symphony of special effects, beautiful women and stunt driving and the commercials screen during prime time viewing hours, then you can probably conclude that the car manufacturer has a lot of money to spend, and therefore has invested a lot of resources into building a high quality vehicle.

On the other hand, if you notice that the commercials for a certain brand of car are very simple and consist things like hand written cardboard placards, bad lighting, background music played on a kazoo and the commercials are only screened at 2:00am between infomercials, then you can probably conclude that the manufacturer has not wasted money on advertising, but has instead invested a lot of resources into building a high quality vehicle.

Negotiating with the dealer.

At some stage, you're going to have to venture into a car lot and speak to a car salesman. When you're talking to a car salesman it's important to make him think that you know what you're talking about. That way he won't try to rip you off. The best way to project your expertise with cars is to immediately contradict every claim the dealer makes about the car or anything else. For example..

Car Dealer : This model of car is particularly popular.
You : I've never seen one of those cars on the road in my life.

Car Dealer : This car is a nippy four on the floor sedan.
You : I think you'll find that this vehicle is a truck with 18 gears.

Car Dealer : I have a number of people already interested in this car
You : No one else has even been in here today. In fact you don't even work here!

Car Dealer : This car represents the finest in German Engineering.
You : Actually, I designed this car and I am from Zimbabwe.

If you can't contradict the dealer then make it sound like he doesn't know what he's talking about. For example..

Car Dealer : This baby will do zero to 60 in five seconds.
You : Well, this model actually had a drive shaft problem that stopped the pistons from thrusting at that torque.

Car Dealer : The safety features in this car are unparalleled.
You : I think the twin cam in this model makes the carburetor become too cyclic.

Car Dealer : No other vehicle delivers the performance of this one.
You : There's no freon belt on the manifold gasket.

Car Dealer : I like you! I'm going to give you a good deal.
You : I think you are in a conspiracy to murder me!

Make sure you keep talking to the dealer for at least three hours. Also, try to ask the same question several times, each time saying "Oh, I understand now."

If he uses some excuse to try to get away from you just say "Oh, I have one more quick question." And then ask him a something about the warp coils or some other fictional piece of the car's engine. Use the techniques of contradiction or correction when he answers.

After you've impressed the dealer and won his respect with your battery of corrections and counter claims, leave the car yard and return as soon as you can in a disguise. I wouldn't recommend something as elaborate as plastic surgery, but probably something more sophisticated than brushing your teeth.

When you approach the dealer again, in your disguise of course, say that you're looking for a car. If the car dealer recognizes you then tell him that you've never seen him before in your entire life. If the car dealer persists in claiming that he recognizes you then start to pretend that you don't speak English.
 

The Test Drive

Drive back and forth past the car lot at high speed and keep blasting the horn yelling "HEEEELP" out the window. You should claim that the car is "possessed" and that it tried to kill you.
 

Negotiating a Price

When you've decided which model of car you'd like to buy you'll need to begin haggling with the car salesman over the price of the vehicle. The important rule to remember is never let the salesman know that you're interested. Here are some sample scenarios that will teach you this concept.

Car Dealer : Hi there, I'm Bob. Can I help you with any of our cars?
You : Cars? I thought this was a veterinarian's office!

Car Dealer : Which model are you interested in sir?
You : I'm not interested in cars actually because I am a vegetarian and I can't drive.

Car Dealer : If you purchase this model today, I'll throw in free air conditioning.
You : Air conditioning makes me break out in warts.

Car Dealer : How much are you willing to spend today?
You: As much of my dole cheque as it takes.
 

At some stage your discussion, the dealer will focus on a price for the car you'd like to purchase. The key here is to make sure you take a few cheap calculators along with you so that you can keep track of the discounts that the dealer offers. However, as part of your cunning strategy and psychological manipulation of the dealer you'll need to pretend that you don't know how to operate a calculator properly.

For example, if the dealer mentions that he's willing to give you a 10% discount from a $20,000 car you should type into the calculator

20000 X 10 =

It is also important to say the digits that you are typing as you type them so that the dealer knows that you're making a mistake. When the results of the above calculation appear on the calculator exclaim..

I'm not paying 200,000 dollars for that car!!

If the dealer tries to correct you then tell him that you're a Scientist and that you know what you're doing.

If the dealer takes your calculator from you to redo the calculation you should start mumbling something about germs. When he tries to give the calculator back look at him incredulously and say "No, it's ok. You keep it." and pull out the next calculator.

Other handy calculator tricks include

Making the Purchase

When it comes time to sign the papers and hand over money you should be aware of the financing traps that car dealers and banks try to use. Some institutions that lend money for cars try to impose an unusual and poorly understood condition on the car loan called "interest". You should insist that you loan not include this feature and that the institution pay you a "fiscal offset" fee of $500 to take out the loan.

When you are organizing the repayment schedule on the loan try to ask for the loan to be stretched out over a period of no less than 500 years...say that your descendants are "good for it."
 

After the Sale

After you've managed to squeeze the "deal of the century" out of the dealer, it's important to be able to validate your purchase. About five minutes after you drive the car off the lot you should drive back to the dealer and ask "How much would I get for a trade in on this baby?"

If the dealer offers you any price that is less than about one and a half times what you bought the car for, then you should immediately claim that you bought the car for five times what you really just spent. If the dealer still tries to argue that the value of the car is less than about one and a half times what you just bought it for, then claim that you've made a lot of "custom improvements" to the vehicle.

If the dealer tries to imply that you just bought the car from him then you should stare blankly at something behind him for at least eight minutes, and then restart the conversation as if the first one had never taken place.
 

Conclusion

Buying a car can sometimes be a a subtle art and an enigma. Many inexperienced first time car buyers can be caught by a myriad of traps or pitfalls which this document has comprehensively outlined. Don't be put off if a dealer seem to be upset at your use of the techniques in this guide. They're really just upset that you've managed to "crack" the hidden method of securing a good deal.