Many people ask me the question "Alan, tell me how you managed to fake your own death and get away with it?". I always answer with the reply, "Well, I've never actually faked my own death, but if I were to fake my own death I'd follow the instructions in..."

Alan Ford's Guide to Faking your own death.

When planning to fake your own death, it is critically important that you have a good reason and motivation. You have to ask yourself the question "Why am I planning on faking my own death?" Is it to avoid financial problems? Is it to avoid some commitment? Is it for fun? If it's none of these or any of them then you have a valid reason for faking your own death and this web page is just the place to learn how!

Who has successfully faked their own death?

Before using this advice many people wish to know who else has successfully reaped the many benefits of pretending to be dead. Preferably famous people so that they know that I'm not making any of this up.

Napoleon Boneparte : Napoleon Boneparte was mistakenly thought to have been killed at the battle of Waterloo in 1789. In truth, he lived on an was later known as Isaac Newton and discovered how gravity worked.

Howard Hughes : Howard Hughes was one of the most well known recluses of the 20th century. The enigmatic billionaire was never in fact in hiding, rather he was pretending to be dead.

Marylin Monroe : While Marylin Monroe is in fact dead today, she did for a brief period fake her own death. This period began about 5 minutes before her actual death and lasted up until 3 days after her burial. Other experts in this field dispute my claim that Marilyn Monroe could actually be faking her own death at the same time as being really dead, but I believe that this demonstrates that other so called experts are nothing more than incompetent amateurs who have no commitment to this complex and sophisticated field of study.

Elvis Presley: Elvis is often thought by many as another famous person who has been able to fake his own demise, however in reality he was pretending to pretend to be dead, which is the technical jargon for really being dead.

How to go about Faking your own death.

There are several methods of faking your own death. Which one you choose will be determined by the amount of effort you'd like to go to and the desired effect on your family and friends.

The Low Key Approach

Sometimes the most simple things are the most elegant. Simply publishing a small death notice in the local newspaper and then showing it to your relatives to convince them that you've died is quite effective. For added subtly you can get someone else to show them the notice!

The Mysterious Approach

In order to use this method you'll need to wait until a dark and stormy night. The first thing to do is to go outside and pull the fuses out of the power box on the side of your house to make it look like there's a blackout. Next, go back inside and say something like "What was that mysterious noise coming from upstairs? I'll go and have a look". Walk tentatively upstairs, and after you've been up there for a minute or two, start yelling "Murder, Murder! I've been Murdered". At this point people will start becoming suspicious and suspect that you may have been murdered. You should show them the death notice in the local paper to further convince them.

The Dramatic Approach

This method involves a lot of tomato sauce and a death notice in the local newspaper.

Reasons for Faking your own death.

Faking death to avoid going to work.

If you've been thinking of faking your own death on a Monday but "getting better" by Tuesday so that you can have a long weekend then you've probably got the wrong attitude about death. In most cases, death seems to be a permanent phenomenon. Therefore if you rang up claiming that you were dead on Monday, but then showed up for work on Tuesday then someone may get suspicious. A better plan would be to call your work on Monday, tell them that you've died and then never show up for work again.

The Pros of this approach are that you get to fake your own death. In addition you get to have a long-long-long weekend.

The Cons are that you will not get paid anymore because for some reason most companies do not believe that they have to give money to dead employees. You could of course take this up with your union or speak with the human resources manager at the place of your employment but unions and HR are not yet progressive enough to accept the idea of paying deceased employees.

The other ploy that sometimes works in larger organizations is to inform the company that you are taking "death leave".

Faking death to end a marriage.

Let's face it. Sometimes relationships don't work out. We all make mistakes in life and many people marry the wrong person. Many people's religious beliefs forbid divorce, but do not forbid faking your own death! If you can convince your partner that you are in fact dead, then they may be inclined to leave you and help you end the relationship.

The best approach involves trying to be as silent and still as you possibly can in order to give your partner the impression that you've passed away. While you're eating breakfast, try to move as little as possible. When you're watching the television, don't change the channel, just sit there silently. Finally, when you're in bed, try to lay straight as if rigour-mortis has set in.

Eventually your partner will come to the incorrect conclusion that you are dead and will leave you. If they try to take any of your belongings you should tell them that you didn't include them in your will so they should keep their grimy hands off your stuff.

Faking death to avoid paying debts.

No one likes paying debts, especially dead people. If you can prove to a creditor that you are no longer living then they might decide to forget about collecting their money from you and you can keep it.

The best tactic here is to try to start a rumor that you're dead. Normally I'd suggest ringing up the creditor, holding your nose and saying something like "Oh, I hear that <insert your name here> is dead.", then hanging up the phone. Call back every few minutes for a few weeks saying the same thing and eventually the person you owe money will start to believe that you have died. He will probably be too upset to try to collect the money from your surviving relatives. If he does try to contact your family then get them to pretend that they are dead as well.

Conclusion

Faking death can sometimes be a subtle art and an enigma. While most people will fake death five or six times over the course of their life, it is important to not take the experience lightly. With proper training and the right attitude you can avoid virtually all the unpleasant things that occur in your life by conviniently pretending to die at the appropriate times.