Are you a perfectly normal person, admired for what you do, respected for your competence at your job, and yet are a complete computer klutz? Does your computer thumb its nose at you? Does your computer have a complete lack of respect for your expertise? Congratulations, you have come to the right place.
Being that I am a nerd, and am considered an expert on all things, some of which I know nothing about, I have decided that it is my civic duty to share my knowledge with the world. The thing I am probably the least ignorant about is computers, and so I am proud to announce the launch of my new advice column, The Byte Meister. Here, in the months to come, I will discuss many computer issues that I am asked about day after day, month after month. My primary goal in this endeavor is to convince you that computers are fun, easy to use, and not really all that complicated.
Sorry, I cannot accept questions from my many readers, as the sheer volume would quickly engulf me. However, check back every now and then and maybe I’ll have the answer to your question. And, of course, I cannot accept responsibility for damages resulting from your taking any of my advice. No, that would be very irresponsible of me.
Our first question comes to me from a neophyte user who does not know the difference between a hard drive and a line drive, and yet has the nerve to ask me:
1. How do I write a letter
in Word with the date right justified?
Ah, a reasonable request, and easily answered. The procedure is quite simple, as I’m sure you will agree:
It’s that easy! And I bet you thought computers were complicated. Piece of cake. Right?
Our next question came from the same neophyte user, a few nights later, after she had had a chance to digest my answer to her first question and had actually found and deciphered her cryptic notes:
2. How do I do a
complete, full backup of my system onto 3.5 inch floppies?
This question is almost as simple to answer, and it will send tingles of pleasure throughout your body as you realize how logical it all is:
Voila, your complete hard drive has been backed up to 3.5 inch floppies. Now, that wasn’t so difficult, was it?
3. What’s a hard
drive?
Well, I’ve driven from
Our next question comes from a different user, someone who is perhaps a little more computer savvy, but nevertheless needs a little hand-holding every now and then:
4. Dear Mr. Byte
Meister, I was very happy with my computer when I first got it, but now I’ve
noticed that it’s gotten very, very slow.
What can I do to speed it up again and revive it to its old peppy ways?
This is a very common symptom, and I’ve experienced it myself. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there’s every indication that you are one of those people who suffer from Personal Electromagnetic Emanation Syndrome, or PEES. PEES afflicts approximately one out of every 100 computer users, and is the cause of untold suffering and embarrassment. Simply put, PEES sufferers have a strong electric field emanating from their bodies that interferes with the operation of all kinds of electronic devices.
In my case, PEES seems to primarily affect my audio devices. No matter how expensive a stereo system I buy, it always manages to sound like crap. Just recently, I was fiddling with my guitar amplifier, and found to my dismay that it had lost its crackle! It was still as loud as ever, but no matter how high I cranked the gain or the overdrive, the sound came out clean and undistorted. This was so discouraging I started crying. PEES is such a cruel disease.
Unfortunately, PEES is incurable. The best you can do is practice safe appliance usage. You might think about developing the habit of attaching a wire from your shoes to the ground plug on the nearest electrical outlet before you touch any electronic appliances. There is a support group, the PEE Sufferers Society, and their website is http://www.pees-sufferers-support.
Oh, and by the way, your computer is crap; it was obsolete the minute you go it home. That’s why it’s so slow. Get a new one. Ground yourself before you take it out of the box. And enjoy the sensation of speed while it lasts, because it won’t last long.
Hint of the Day: When you yell at your computer, you should do so in a respectful tone. Computers don’t understand spoken language, but they can sense the emotion behind your words. If your computer senses that you are getting frustrated, it gets tense as well. You know you’ve gotten out of hand if you find that your computer has peed all over your mouse pad. If this happens, you should not, under any circumstances, lose your temper. Instead, hold it gently and firmly chastise it. Sprinkle your remonstration with the words “format” and “recycle”, two of the few words your computer is able to understand. You’ll find that using a gentle tone of voice will work wonders with your computer, and will improve your own mood as well.
Well, that’s all the time we have for today. Remember to check back next month, when we reveal the secrets of how to edit your resume using the Windows Registry Editor. Until then, so long from The Byte Meister.