TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? JOHNNY: "HIJKLMNO"!! TEACHER: What are you talking about? JOHNNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O! ---------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Johnny, why do you always get so dirty? JOHNNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. ----------------------------------------------------- JOHNNY: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? JOHNNY: Your name on this report card. ----------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? JOHNNY: Don't bite any. ----------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" JOHNNY: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?" ----------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Johnny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? JOHNNY: No, teacher, it's the same dog! ----------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? JOHNNY: A teacher ----------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother. A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. "Ok, now take off my skirt..." And he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra..." Which he does. "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." "And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GodAlmighty! " shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Teacher fainted! ------------------------------------------------------------ A few days after Christmas, Little Johnny's mother was working in the kitchen and listening to him playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and Little Johnny said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your butts on the friggin' train and sit your butts down because were leaving." Little Johnny's mother stormed into the living room and said, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you've settled down, you can play with your trains again, as long as you use proper language." Two hours later, Little Johnny came out of his room and resumed playing with his train. Soon, the train stopped and the Little Johnny's mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under that seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the friggin' bitch in the kitchen..." ------------------------------------------------------------ Little Johnny is returning home from the store swinging a loaf of bread in one hand. His other hand in his pants pocket. Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little Johnny and considers, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to little Johnny." Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the Staff of Life in one hand." "Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in the other!" ------------------------------------------------------------ The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?" "Heaven!" Suzy cried out. "And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher. "Dead!" yelled Little Johnny. ------------------------------------------------------------ Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'" "But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!" said Johnny ------------------------------------------------------------ A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man! I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning again. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaned, "I need a bike! I need a bike!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A teacher wrote on the blackboard: "Like I ain't had no fun in months." Then she asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?" Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get a new boyfriend." ------------------------------------------------------------ Little Johnny comes home with a homework paper to do. He asks his dad to help him write about the difference between theory and reality. His dad says, "Go to your Mom and ask her if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars." Little Johnny does as he is told, and Mom says, "Well, yes, I suppose I would. "His dad then says, "Now go ask your big sister if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars." Little Johnny does this too, and Sis says, "Yes, I suppose I would."Little Johnny and his dad then sit down, and Dad says, "Now son, you've learned the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we're sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we're living with a couple of whores." ------------------------------------------------------------ Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ? Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking.. ------------------------------------------------------------ "If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?" "One quarter." answered little Johnny "You don't know your arithmetic." said the teacher shaking her head. Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my father." ------------------------------------------------------------ So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. "Now, where's my bucket and my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" cried Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!" ------------------------------------------------------------ One day little Johnny was in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decided to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked. "My goldfish died and I'm burying him," Johnny replied. "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor. "That's because he's inside your cat!" ------------------------------------------------------------ The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday." ------------------------------------------------------------ A school teacher asks her class 'What vegtable makes your eyes water?' Little Johnny replies 'a turnip, miss'. 'No Johnny' says the teacher, 'I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?' 'No miss' Says Johnny, 'Have you never been hit in the balls with a turnip?' ------------------------------------------------------------ A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment, replied "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide but before he interrupt Johnny replied, "Pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants" Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in K' that means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself." ------------------------------------------------------------------- Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota," he said. "That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said, "Can you tell the class how you spell that?" Little Johnny thought about it and said, "Come to think of it, we went to Ohio." ----------------------------------------------------------------- After the christening of his baby brother in church, little five-year-old Johnny sat in the back seat, unusually quite. Very softly he started to cry until his father noticed him sobbing. "What's wrong, little Johnny?" asked his father. Between sniffles little Johnny replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, an-an-and I want to stay with YOU guys!" ------------------------------------------------------------------ Asked by his teacher to spell "straight," little Johnny did so without error. "Excellent," said the teacher, "now, what does it mean?" "Without water." ------------------------------------------------------------------ The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said little Johnny. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished." Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!" Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?" Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades... somebody is going to get a spanking." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?" After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr.. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr.. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr.. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr.. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr.. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..." ============================================================================ Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved." ============================================================================ The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "My dad taught me." "Good! Can you tell me what comes after three." "Four," answers little Johnny. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," says little Johnny. ============================================================================ Little Johnny became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally he leaned over to his father and whispered, "Hey, Dad, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" =================================================================== A Sunday school teacher asked a Little Johnny "Do you believe in the devil?" "No," said Little Johnny. "He's just like Santa Claus. I think it's my daddy." =================================================================== Little Johnny comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" Little Johnny replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow." ========================================================== Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play." Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" "I want to play 'Mommy and Daddy,'" says Little Johnny. Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a nap." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get downstairs and get that kid some ICE CREAM!" ========================================================== The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him. The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth. Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story. After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall." ========================================================= Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." " And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." ==================================================================== An old man got on a crowded bus and no one gave him a seat. As the bus shook and rattled, the old man's cane slipped on the floor and he fell. As he got up, Little Johnny, sitting nearby, turned to him and said, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip." The old man snapped back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnnie sees his Daddy's car passing the play-ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace". Johnnie finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly: "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy.." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnnie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnnie to tell his story, so Johnnie starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and... "...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time,so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Johnny." "Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service, the 8:15 or the 10:30?"