God Announces End of Support for Humanity
May 22, 2004
God Inc. announced today that it would no longer support Humanity after
2007. "It was a good run, while it lasted" said St. Peter, a
spokesman for the huge congomerate. "But we feel that we have to
move on. We have several new products coming, taking us in new
directions in the marketplace. We need to focus our resources on
the future, and let go of the past." God's stock fell slightly at
the New York Stock Exchange upon the announcement, but rebounded by the
end of the day.
Lucifer Enterprises, one of God's fiercest competitors, immediately
announced that they would take Humanity under their wing. "We
feel that there is still a viable market for Humanity" said Joe
Beelzebub, Director of Operations at the company's facility in Hell,
West Virginia. Lucifer's stock ended the day up 15%.
The company also announced across-the-board price cuts in their "Evil"
line of products.
God Inc. CEO Jesus Christ was not available for comment. But
insiders say there is a corporate shakeout in progress. The Board
of Directors has been increasingly anxious about Christ's recent
product rollouts, launched under the "Second Coming" ad banner.
There are rumors of animosity between CEO Christ and Chairman of the
Board Charles Yahweh. Whether Christ will remain with the company
remains to be seen.
God Inc. has been marketing Humanity since its humble origins at the
beginning of time. It has seen steady growth in sales over the
millenia, but had recently lost market share to Lucifer. During
the 1990's, there was intense and brutal competition between God and
Lucifer, brought about by changes in the way the two companies do
business in the Internet Age. Citing recent efforts to "stem the
flow of blood", Yahweh had gone on record as saying that Humanity
was no longer in their plans. Today's announcment was the first
official corporate confirmation of that statement.