Heaven Announces Layoffs

May 22, 2004


God Inc. continued with its spate of recent blockbuster announcements today, saying it was laying off 3000 angels.  The conglomerate also announced that it was outsourcing those jobs to India.  "They can do just as good a job, and they are significantly cheaper" said Weasel T. Oddbody, a spokeman for God.  "We believe that this will ultimately create thousands of new jobs in Heaven.  This is a boon to our industry."

A dejected St. Peter, one of those whose job was affected, spoke at a press conference today, after handing over the keys to the Gates of Heaven to Sombalidad Vrsskrssttritrim Associates.  "It is a sad day in Heaven" he said.  "And it is a cold day in Hell.  I gave my life and soul to God.  They gave me the option of re-training to become a security guard at Purgatory".  Purgatory Properties, Inc. is a wholly owned subsidiary of  God, Inc.  "I told them I would not take a step down, and a significant cut in pay, to salve their consciences.  I turned in my halo."  When asked what he planned to do next, St. Peter said that he was planning on becoming an insurance agent.

Following the announcement, there was an impromptu demonstration by laid off angels at God Inc. headquarters.  Many protested by pouring fake blood on their heads and shoulders, a reference to their loss of their halos and wings.  St. Gabriel , one of those who lost his job, was defiant.  "I kept my trumpet, even though it was officially owned by God.  I've started a jazz quartet, and I've enlisted other angels to form a companion vocal  group.  We've got a gig this Tuesday at the High Clouds Tavern.  Come on down and check us out.  It's dollar-a-beer night on Tuesdays, and ladies get in free".

One angel, who asked not to be identified, was despondent.  "This is all I know.  I've done harp work for all of my life.  This is all I've ever wanted to do.  Now they've taken that away from me.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  Look for me on skid row."  Indeed, it is expected that many angels will join the ranks of the homeless.  There is already a swelling population of homeless imps from the recent layoffs at Lucifer Enterprises.

In other news, the U.S. labor department released its latest rosy outlook on the U.S. economy.  Employment was up, consumer spending was up, production figures were up, and worker productivity was up.  President Bush announced "The U.S. job engine is running strong".  The president brushed aside questions about the layoffs in Heaven, and the record gasoline prices being experienced across the country.