No
man will ever truly understand what it’s like for a woman in the deepest
transition phase of labor, but if you’ve ever gotten your balls whacked by an
80 M.P.H. soccer ball, you understand pain.
Fortunately, its something a man can do something about. He can go out and get an athletic cup. I know this, I’ve been there, standing in
the path of that 80 M.P.H. soccer path.
After a few excruciating incidents, I decided to buy an athletic
cup. I’ve never used one before. The uncertainties were staggering.
I
had been putting it off. I have this
thing about buying intimate items of clothing.
Not only that, but there’s the matter of size. What size to get? I am,
shall we say, not particularly gifted in the athletic cup department. How was I going to go to a sporting goods
store, find a good fit in an athletic cup, and not advertise my
deficiencies? Let me tell you, this is
a serious matter for men. You don’t
just walk in and say, hey, what have you got in the petites? It just isn’t done.
But,
after the last incident, a particularly brutal blow launched at close quarters,
I decided it was time. I gathered up my
courage and went to the nearest sports store.
Oh, my bad luck! There was a
woman at the register, and a woman clerk roaming the store. The only thing worse would have been some
young muscle bound stud. I imagined the
looks of scorn! The pitying stares. I almost walked out. But my tension flared up the pain in my
still sore groin area. That decided it.
I got myself together and got down to business.
I
found the rack with the athletic supporters and cups. They had small, medium, and large sizes, each package containing
a jock strap and a cup. Now I faced a
dilemma. How could I walk red-faced up to the woman at the cash register with
my size “small” athletic cup and ignore the snickers. I saw the clerk coming over.
Panic! I quickly moved over to
the sock rack. I could see it now –
“May I help you find something?”. “Yes,
I’m looking for a large sock for my
particularly large feet. See?
You want me to take my shoe off?”. Fortunately, she was stopped by a
customer looking for sweatpants that wouldn’t make her look fat. I figured I had some time, maybe 10 minutes.
Okay,
there was only one thing to do. Grab an
extra large, and live with it. I could
tape it on or something. It wouldn’t be
so bad. The larger, the more
protection. Right? No matter that it would slip down during a
game, and be protecting my asshole rather than the all-important frontal
region. I could just turn around a
lot. I’d be protected!
All
right, enough of this. Be a man. Walk proud!
After all, size doesn’t matter, does it? Just grab that thing, and ignore the snickers. Just ignore the snickers! I don’t need to impress these people. After all, they work in a sporting goods
store.
It
was then that it hit me. The size is
for the jock strap. The jock straps are
small, medium, and large. I looked more
closely. Sure enough, the athletic cup
was the same size for all three jock strap sizes. My problem was solved. I
confidently grabbed the large size.
Wait! Do they have an extra large? I need it, I’m a big man. Nope, I’ll just have to settle for a large
size, and take the pressure. I can do
this!
I
grabbed my large size cup and supporter
and strutted over to the cashier. I bet
she was impressed. I felt like asking
her if they had extra large, because I hate to be cramped, you know? I felt like browsing through the store,
holding my large size cup and
supporter conspicuously for all to see.
Maybe passing by the clerk a couple of times, letting her sense my manly
aura. But, I settled for just basking
in the warm glow of testosterone flowing through the old tubes.
So,
you see, if you ever have to buy an athletic cup, you needn’t experience the
heartbreak of exposure of your deepest secrets. The only downside to the whole experience is learning how to use
the damn thing. It doesn’t come with
instructions. Does the fat side go up
and the skinny side down? That doesn’t
feel right. But the other way makes
less sense. Oh well, that’s not
important. What’s important is that
size does matter. Jockstrap size, that
is. And I’ve got that covered.