Consider the overpopulation problem. Every day many of us spend a considerable portion of our lives in the freeway scramble. We wait and wait in traffic. We frantically tune our radios to the most up to date traffic reports, only to be told, yes indeed, we are now in the worst traffic jam of the twentieth century. The allied invasion of Normandy was nothing compared to what we experience on our daily commute to work. Wouldn't it be nice if all those cars just went poof in a cloud of radioactive dust? Just think how much more productive we would be if we could get to work in a reasonable amount of time. Just think how much more courteous people would be without the frustration of fighting rush hour. The world would be a far more pleasant place to live in.
As another example of the overpopulation problem, consider the difficulty of getting tickets for Redskins games. Redskins tickets are harder to obtain than fissionable materials. There is a 60 year waiting list for tickets. Many people have spent their entire lives on the waiting list, advancing one position every decade or so. Those lucky enough to own tickets consider them family heirlooms, passing them on from generation to generation. To inherit a Redskins ticket in Washington is somewhat akin to inheriting a noble title in Europe. A nuclear winter would solve all our problems. We could all get seats on the fifty yard line. We would save a bundle of money because we wouldn't have to shell out to Jack Kent Cooke for a new stadium. We could probably even convince old Jack to move to a smaller stadium like the Fairfax High School stadium, for example. RFK could then be used for more important things, like rock concerts and tractor pulls.
Another benefactor of a nuclear winter would be the U.S. economy. Japan is the chief competitor of the U.S. Japan is the market leader in consumer electronics. But following a nuclear winter, would that be an advantage? No, the consumer electronics market would dry up. Who would have an advantage, you ask? The snowmobile market would mushroom, and guess who corners that market? The U.S., of course. Japan has a semi-tropical climate so it couldn't compete. The U.S. makes the best snow clearing equipment in the world. We would clean up!
The federal budget deficit would be a thing of the past. There would be fewer congressmen to feed and vote themselves huge pay raises. There would be no social security system because no one would live past the age of 35. The military would have blown themselves to pieces. We wouldn't have to worry about them any more. The federal government would be free to spend our hard earned tax money on matters of importance, like contract fraud, kickbacks, and junkets to Tahiti. There would be no Chief Executive Officers, making millions in salary and stock options while the rest of us grunts get laid off.
The entire recreation industry would be revitalized. They'd have ski resorts on Mount Kilimanjaro. Think of the powder! Imagine what it would be like to ski on a radioactive mountain. We wouldn't even need lights for night skiing; the radioactive glow would light our way. There would be no need for snow making machines. We could just import radioactive ash from somewhere else.
And what about the real estate market? You think it's difficult to sell your house in today's market? After nuclear winter, you wouldn't even need to sell your house. You could just move into the neighbor's house. They'd be dead anyway, they wouldn't mind. You could own four or five houses. There would be enough to go around for everybody.
Just think, we would never have to worry about the Antarctic ozone hole again. Why not? Because Antarctica would just melt away. Who cares about a few ultraviolet rays if they fall harmlessly on a patch of ocean? We could use CFC's to our heart's content, because the clouds would make up for the lack of ozone. I for one am investing in Right Guard stock right away. Their spray-on deodorant will be making a comeback, you watch. Speaking of ultraviolet rays, the nuclear clouds would protect us. No more skin cancer. What a boon to mankind!
By now I hope you are convinced that there's a silver lining in every radioactive cloud. What a wonderful future lies ahead of us. No more standing in line at the bank -- no more banks! No more forest fires -- no more forests! If you are as impressed as I am by the benefits of nuclear winter, write your congressman today. Let's get the ball rolling and the missiles flying. I'm going to go out and build my bomb shelter today. How about you?