Satin

Julie Hough

I started with the basics. I'm a Gypsy. What's that mean? Hell if I know. We wandered, doing things like fortune telling and circuses. Our people are wanderers. That is why I was raised by Grandma. Mom and Dad just wandered off one night, never to be seen or heard from again. The way of gypsies, I guess. They're song took them elsewhere, leaving me to my own song. So I danced. Back then it consoles me. Dancing was my best friend. I usually just hid when other people were around the Gypsies, because they scared me, I was afraid they would notice me and point me out and laugh, "There is the little orphan girl, dancing with herself in the dirt." I realize it was silly to be afraid, and now I stand in the street and watch them pass and laugh, because they don't notice me but I notice them, and I knew more about them than they know themselves. It was a trick I learned as a child, hiding in plain sight. I'm quite good at it. And I learned theater, the Gypsies did plays, and there was this old guy, Harold I think, who could make anyone look like anyone else. He taught me some of his tricks, though I'll never be the master he was, I'm good, and I like it. Dancing through life's songs with changing rhythms and changing images of myself. It has a certain appeal, you must admit. No? I like being remembered and forgotten and remembered differently, all at the same time and all at different times, with different and the same people. Looking through time and seeing myself change and not change as time doesn't pass, it's fabulous! But enough of being young now, I am older later.

As I will say, my parents left when I was young, maybe 3ish? I can't pinpoint the time, maybe because I don't want to. So Grandma and the Gypsies raised me. As I said, I learned to dance very young, and Grandma made sure I learned from the best people she could find. And she taught me Tarot, and the art of Fortune Telling. And I tell you, what an art it is. Learning to notice all the subtleties about someone as quickly as possible in order to do a good reading, it was amazing. And she was a master at it. Right down to the glazed look, as if she really was seeing elsewhere. And of course now I realize she was. I'm learning, discovering my own ability at far seeing helps the task. She just hadn't told me about it yet. I was always too young for so many things, including that horrible scene I keep seeing. To this day the sight of silver metal freaks me out, especially chains. And understandably so. Cut and bleeding, but alive, with thin, sharp silver chains, until they finally cut her throat, with a silver knife no less. Not that the knife will ever be found, but I see it, and I know what was done. I found her. At the time I hadn't seen it, but I'd had a premonition, and I went looking. But I was too late. If only I'd known then what I know now, maybe she would still be here today. But then again, as I well know, the future is not fixed, and I may never have been on time. I was 17. That makes me 22 this year. My how time flies! What a strange expression, because time doesn't fly at all, it actually stays rather still, and it is us that dance through it. Birds and bugs fly. I dance.

Enough of that past, lets talk of the future that was the past. I am 17, and Grandma was dead. No one knew who did it, and the police are no help. What was I to do? I cry, and dance, and it is raining. I remember, and try to forget. I never will. How can I? So after Grandma was buried and her estate, such as it was, is settled, I do what Gypsies do best, I wander. Grandma had set up a trust fund for me, I can get the interest from it every month using a little card at any ATM. This makes my wandering much easier. I find myself in L.A. What a horrible place, especially for a 17 year old girl, who has never been outside the Gypsy camp. But no one seems to notice me, so I wander through the city, experiencing things I have never felt before. It is amazing. I explore the shops and sights. Eventually, I find myself in an herb shop. This is the first place someone notices me. A guy is in there, looking through the herbs. And I notice he is staring at me. He is slightly taller than me, pale skin, gorgeous blonde hair, and piercing blue eyes. I do what comes naturally to me, I try to disappear in the store, but I notice he follows me. So finally I confront him. "Hi. Why are you staring at me?" He smiles, and says, "Because earlier today I remembered meeting you here now. It's why I'm here. You are Satin, aren't you?"

I stare. I can't help it. "How?... Never mind. You know me, but I don't seem to know you. Who are you?"

"Sven. I'm having a party tonight. You want to come?"

This guy is kinda creepy, but at the same I find myself strangely intrigued. "I have plans, but maybe I can stop by."

Again, he smiles that knowing sort of smile. It reminds me of my Grandma, which causes me to shiver slightly. He hands me a piece of paper with an address and phone number. "I'll see you tonight." And he walks away. And I can't help but notice he also has a great ass. Oh hell, I know I'll be there tonight, and so obviously does he, so why fight fate? I draw a Tarot card from my pouch. The Lovers. How prophetic.

I take a cab to Sven's apartment, after shopping for a new outfit. Long multicolored, multilayered Gypsy skirt, midriff satin shirt, in pale blue. And matching satin ballet slippers. An anklet made of little brass bells. I reach out to knock, and Sven opens the door. He smiles. I'm beginning to really like that smile! "Hi! Told you you would be here." He hands me a small box, which I open. It's a bracelet that matches my anklet. I'm shocked, yet at the same time now I'm really intrigued. He hooks it on for me, and I come inside. I smell incense, and hear other people in the next room. Sven leads me in. Four people, two guys and two girls, are sitting on pillows in the living room, chatting and smoking something that smells funny, like incense, only why would someone smoke incense? One of the girls says, "Hi, Satin. Nice to finally meet you in person." Huh? She is acting like she knows of me. I guess from Sven, though I still haven't figured out how he knows me. "Hi." Sven introduces everyone, though I can't remember their names anymore, the whole night became too blurred. Sven sits on a pillow and pats a pillow next to him. I sit. The two guys pick up instruments, a guitar and a flute, and start playing, a beautiful yet vaguely haunting tune. I listen for a few moments, then realize I am dancing in the middle of the room. Everyone is watching me, these strangers. I hate being watched, but tonight, somehow, seems different. I don't mind, and I dance. The music has such feeling, and it feels good to dance and be appreciated. At some point, a rest, and someone hands me a smoke. Why not, it smells intriguing, and I take a puff. Ick. It doesn't taste nearly as good as it smells. I take a few more puffs, feeling the essence of the herb flow into me. Then it hits me. I start coughing, and seem to be having trouble breathing. The people freeze, and the room starts to melt, which is rather disquieting when you are sitting on the floor and watching it melt away below you. Then it freezes, and the people become liquid, flowing toward and away from me at the same time. Then I see a path, that stretches off into a forest. I follow it, dancing along the path. The trees are strange, every color but normal tree colors. I reach a clearing. Sven is standing there, staring at me. I hear a cat scream behind me. I spin, and see a large paisley mountain cat type creature, but with six legs. I run toward Sven, who still seems to be standing there, oblivious of the cat. I fall into his arms, and the cat pounces on me. I scream as I feel a burning sensation run down my leg. Sven is shaking me. I'm still screaming, and coughing. My throat feels swollen, and I can see hives on my arms, and blood on my leg. Only then do I realize my eyes are still closed. But I can see the room clearly. What? I open my eyes quickly, panicked. Sven holds on to me, saying something. I slowly calm down, coughing again. "Are you ok?" Sven asks. "Do I look ok?! I can see the room with my eyes closed, and feel the wood grain under hands in more detail than I realized possible, and I'm bleeding from a wound from an imaginary, paisley cat! Do you really think I'm ok?!?!" I then break down crying. Sven cradles me in his arms, comforting me. I eventually calm down, though I still seem to be having a bit of trouble breathing. "What happened?" I ask, noticing everyone else had left.

"You must be allergic to pot, Satin. I've never seen a trip like that. As for the other sensations, welcome to the Cult of Ecstasy." And he kisses me. I resist at first, but then find myself kissing him back, all my inhibitions melting away in his arms. He is gentle with me, and the sensations I feel are like none I have ever experienced. I'd had sex before, but nothing came even close to this. As our passion builds, things become less gentle, but that seems to excite me, and him, more. The rest of the night is amazing. We both climax multiple times, orgasms like I have never experienced, or even thought imaginable. At dawn, we lay in the pillows, naked and sweaty, wrapped in each others arms. I drift off to sleep.

I come back to the present. I shiver, remembering that first night, and many others, with Sven. I again wish he hadn't had to leave. I've been a member of the Cut of Ecstasy ever since. In the afternoon, Sven had explained magic and the Awakening to me. He told me about my very own inner Daemon, not the evil ones from myth, but a piece of me that allows me to do magic. I learn the Code of Ananda, so that I don't violate any of the ethics of the Cult. It is fascinating, that all the make believe stuff I believed in as a child actually exists. I lived in L.A. with Sven for three years. I told fortunes, using my skill in Tarot, and my newfound skill in what Sven named Correspondence. It was an exhilarating time, learning new skills and experiencing new things. The dance was fun. But then the flashbacks started. It was only about six months after my Awakening. We were sitting in the apartment, having dinner, when suddenly the world shifted. I found myself staring at my Grandma, right before her death. I watch, unable to move, as someone dressed entirely in black kills her. I scream and try to attack him. Then the scene shifts again, and I'm face-to-face with the paisley cat. Again, I scream and try to run, but it seems to have hold of me. I struggle, and the forest melts and I discover I am on the floor of the kitchen, wrapped in Sven's arms. I cry, and he comforts me. I explain what happened, and he has no explanation why it happened, except that maybe it was a flashback from my allergy. I cry more, and finally stop and drift off to sleep. Over the next two-and-a-half-years, I would periodically have these flashbacks. They tended to come at the most inopportune time, like in the middle of love making. Very anticlimactic to see your Grandma killed when you are about to orgasm. Sven continued to teach me what he knew about the Cult, and we continued to be lovers. But after awhile, we started to drift apart, until one day he told me he had to leave. He said I was welcome to keep the apartment, since I had been living there anyway. He didn't tell me where he was going, just that he had seen a new path for himself, that regrettably didn't include me. But that one day our paths would cross again, and that I just needed to keep my eyes open on the future and my mind open to the past, and to enjoy my song and dance. He was gone the next morning. I cried half the morning, then played our favorite song and danced until sunset.

I stayed there another week, gathering my thoughts and my things about me. And I left L.A. and haven't been back. I came east, looking for new places. I found in the South that I could get paid quite well for dancing, as long as I didn't mind doing it mostly naked. Three years ago I would have refused, but now I was comfortable with myself. I used my theater talents to enhance my looks and my appeal, and traveled the Southern strip joints. It was fun. I even continued to tell fortunes, and found it turned some guys on. I am currently just wandering and dancing, working when I feel like it and seeing the countryside otherwise. I don't know yet where I am heading, but I can feel myself being drawn somewhere, somewhen. One day I will find it, but for now, I am enjoying my dance. Fate will find me soon enough, might as well enjoy life now and worry about the future when I see it from the past.