November 2007

unorganized thoughtsadmin on 20 Nov 2007 06:20 pm

When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back; When someone wrongs us, we want to be right.

Ever since I heard this somewhere, it has been bothering me. Making me think of its meaning over and over again.  I can understand the first part, thats the part of human nature I can comprehend. In love, in friendship and in life, you probably learn that from experience.

What troubles me is the second part about being right. I believed that to be only my ‘flaw’ in thinking about things in that manner. Which is why in situations where I have been wronged, I have not been able to do justice to the process without feeling more guilty and helpless than before. That is too vague. But what I am getting at, is that if that is a common instinct, a natural reaction, to try and be right, to try and be virtuous, it always causes more harm than before. Then how do people resolve things after being wronged?

unorganized thoughtsadmin on 19 Nov 2007 07:34 pm

These days its either one word or two, or even a sentence that ignites these deep, often painful sentiments that I don’t know what to think of. Its probably because this seems to be a part of me that I never paid attention to.

I wrote a few days ago about “Thrive”. Today, its “fragile”. A single word, with just the right weight to describe everything that it needs to, without going overboard. As explaied in the dictionary, easily broken, shattered, or damaged; delicate; brittle; frail.

Do you think relationships are ‘fragile’? I am convinced that certain ones like those involving ‘love’ are very fragile. But then, how come people manage to make it work so well? What does it take to have that long lasting, undying, strong, passionate and never ending love, if this fragility is such an influential characteristic at the base of it?

Too many questions, and very few (if any) answers, but ‘fragile’ is the word to describe the state of my heart, my mind and my health right now…..

unorganized thoughtsadmin on 18 Nov 2007 06:07 pm

Every since I was of an age where I could remember my own thoughts, something that struck me as weird about my own self was that anytime I had to make a wish, while praying, while blowing off my birthday candles or after I saw a shooting star, I never had anything that I wanted for my own self. So I always made a simple wish, loosely translated, it meant “make it right, for everyone”.

Even now, thats the first thought that comes to my mind. I don’t know what “make it right” means. I don’t even know what “right” means. It is different for everyone and is not probably one or two things. Its not something materialistic or something you can get or give.

I needed that thought, as it makes me realize that my heart is pure then, and it is simple. I feel good knowing that because recently I have been struggling convincing myself of own ability to be a decent human being with feelings. I am not the kindest, nor the most sensitive person, but this gives me hope in being able to have honest feelings.

unorganized thoughtsadmin on 17 Nov 2007 11:43 am

Not sure how I started believing this, but since a very long time, I believe that when you wake up in the morning, the last dream that you had right before you wake up, is the one most likely to be true. The one that is most real.

I am not even sure if that has ever proved itself to be true. I could not give you an example or two if I had to, but my belief in that theory hasn’t changed.

I woke up today with what could be the truest and most honest wish I have every had in recent times. A dream played out in my head, parts of which I don’t remember too well, but the words that were spoken, the emotion that was shared and the scenario that was played out was the reason my heart still beats these days. It was a hopeful dream, it was a warm thought and it gave me a very tiny feeling of hope.

Please let me theory be true…….

unorganized thoughtsadmin on 16 Nov 2007 02:09 am

Sometimes a lot of words cannot even get close to describing a thought, a concept, a feeling. But a few times, a single word achieves that without even trying very hard.

Take “thrive” for example. A big health care provider uses that word (and only that word) as its slogan, its message. The idea is simple, to send the message out about health, about wellness and about care. And whenever I see that, I believe not even a thousand words would have been able to give me that exact feeling that the simple six-letter word does.

What got me thinking about this was the need to come up with a simple one word reply to a question that keeps being asked, even though these days I have no desire to answer it…..’How are you doing?’ I want to say that how I am doing is the exact opposite of ‘thrive’. The words decline, fail, languish are appropriate antonyms for the word ‘thrive’. But that is not how I feel, those words are either too strong or too weak.

I feel exhausted. I feel lost, I feel hurt. I feel pain. I feel tired and I feel scared. I feel weak and weaker with each breath that I take. I know that the heart is beating, but it doesn’t feel right. I know when to sleep and when to wake up, but none of that feels right. I feel wrong.

So, how am I doing? I am doing the opposite of thriving……..

unorganized thoughtsadmin on 13 Nov 2007 06:54 pm

Tears are probably the deepest, sincerest and most accurate representation of emotions. They seem to bypass the logical part of you and goes straight deep into the heart to express itself. What makes it more complicated is the ability to cry in sorrow or in happiness.

I can explain why recently the heart has decided to bleed out of the eyes at times I have no control over. Or even why I have been trying for hours and my eyes are thirsty for a drop, but it seems there is nothing left within me to express, to feel. This pain today is unbearable and I just want to let all the hurt flow out in the form of tears because right now it seems like I am going to break down and not be able to get up again……..ever.

Am I broken so much that I have even lost the comfort of tears? Please, don’t let that be true.

unorganized thoughtsadmin on 11 Nov 2007 10:27 pm

Its a word, that makes me think about comfort, warmth, safety and a lot of peace. It should be simple then to expect that you have a place like that for you. I would believe everybody has such a place, a home. You could be rich, poor, happy, broken, anybody…..and you will have that place.

It could be a house, most likely it is a house. Some place you grew up in. Learned life, and lived life. Could be a vacation home, a place you visit occasionally. Could be a location, a spot, maybe looking outside a window where you see traffic go by, the roof top of an empty quiet building where you can count stars or even a drive in your car, going nowhere.

Do you have a home? Sometimes, maybe even all the time, I feel I don’t. I have never needed one, but I really do now. I really need a home, I want to go home.

unorganized thoughtsadmin on 06 Nov 2007 01:08 am

Very rarely I come across art that goes beyond just entertainment and starts to appeal to the emotional part of the brain. This is normally an aberration in my case, because not only do I lack the basic emotional development of a mature individual, I am, for the lack of a better word, too “pragmatic” and rational with my feelings.

The medium of entertainment does not matter either, It could be music, words, television, books or movies.

Innocent Voices, a 2004 Latin film by Mexican-born director Luis Mandoki is a (true?) story about an eleven year old boy living in El Salvador during the time of a raging civil war. I don’t know film making or what you can critique in a movie, but I don’t care. This was something that made me sad to the depths of my soul, what an amazing piece of work. I rarely even feel an iota of emotion, specially in movies, I get too distracted by the fact that I am looking at actors. But there were a couple of moments in this movie when I really could not prevent myself from looking away from the screen because of the uneasiness of the unknown feelings, the tremor, the despair and the grief.

I was too young, but the last time a movie made me feel something was years ago when I watched an Indian movie called Anand (1971).

unorganized thoughtsadmin on 06 Nov 2007 12:47 am

I haven’t really ever felt this before, never really thought emotions could be this strong. So, it probably is worth documenting somewhere.

Have you ever felt so much sadness, so much pain, so much hurt that your heart became so heavy that you could feel the weight in each and every inch of your body, felt so much agony that a sharp pain traveled to each and every nerve, felt  a throbbing so loud that you could not hear any other sound?

I cannot explain it, I doubt science could ever explain this connection between feelings and heart, specially the somber feelings.  Why would something so emotional have such a strong physical impact? How can something that you cannot see, touch but just feel inside your mind, your heart and your soul, display itself in the form of tears and pain? Too many questions, too much anguish, too much grief, but the heart still functions. Can you explain that?