January 2008

unorganized thoughtsadmin on 30 Jan 2008 08:32 pm

Not that I am trying to, but there is just way too much unsorted, unanalyzed and filed-for-later in the head that I am starting to get bothered. Things I need to address right now, rather than later, tends to get hidden behind the new (sometimes even old) thought that suddenly becomes active.

In computer systems, there is an operating system and that has a scheduler that has the job of effectively “switching” tasks that are active so that no task gets _starved_ for attention and it keeps doing this constantly. Seems like the one in my brain needs an upgrade or a bug fix.

I spend a lot of time staring at a computer screen. The way I work is there are, at any given time, at least 10 different little “windows” of tasks active. There is a tool I use, which when I press a combination of keys, displays all of those windows in a neat little form, all arranged in neat set of lines. Then I take a moment, see what I am doing, why am I doing it and what I don’t need to do.

I need to find the combination of keys for my head that gives me that.

unorganized thoughtsadmin on 24 Jan 2008 03:16 pm

It doesn’t have to be the wittiest or the smartest, but sometimes, when you find something funny, it is refreshing, and it feels like all that weight that you seem to be carrying around gets lifted, even though it is just for a few small moments.

unorganized thoughtsadmin on 23 Jan 2008 07:07 pm

rhistey badi mushkilon se bante hai yahan pe lekin, toote ne ke liye bas ek hi lamha

No matter how much you think about something, how often you witness it, how often you read it in a book or watch it on TV,  something about relationships that one can never completely comprehend is what happens when it breaks or falls apart.

The line above briefly addresses something to that effect. It takes a lot of effort, time, patience, emotion, some sacrifices - small and big, and a whole lot of many more things to form a relationship. Thats the mushkil (difficult) part. Then why, when it ends, all it needs is just one small moment? That does not make sense, something I will never be able to understand. Where is the balance? Where is the common sense in that? That is f**king bulls**t.

And since I picked up that line from a song/composition that I have always appreciated a lot because of its message, the composers and the music, here are a few more lines…

What are you waiting for another day another dawn

Some way we have to find a new way to peace

What are you waiting for another sign another call

Some day we have to find a new way to peace

unorganized thoughtsadmin on 18 Jan 2008 07:40 pm

…thats a little Fight Club reference there, one of my favorite movies. Moving on…

I never clearly understood faith, belief, trust, hope; at least their association with God. I am not religious, but am pretty sure I believe in God. So, to a certain extent, I am supposed to have some amount of faith, belief, trust and hope I guess.

However, recently as I have found myself, for selfish reasons none the less, looking towards God, I understand it is more due to reasons other than faith, belief, trust and hope.

One of the reasons seem to be, for strength. To have the strength to do the right thing, to have the strength to think right, the strength to have hope and patience. I go to find peace, comfort and to have the feeling of being humbled by devoting all your thought and focus on something that you don’t see, just know of, God. You sit there, you see others having all the faith, all the belief and all that hope and they channel all that into their prayers and their thoughts. That feeling I get of witnessing this is also a reason I go.

For a while there, I guess I lost having this as a part of my life. I used to have that as a constant not that long ago, but I messed up by not paying attention. I cannot change that, and I feel sad that I let it happen, inadvertently may it be.

The good thing is that it seems like you can probably rely on trust always being there, its just up to you to accommodate it correctly.

unorganized thoughtsadmin on 17 Jan 2008 07:56 pm

So, its the title of a song (the artist is/are called Tegan & Sara if you care), and I thought it meant something similar to what I was thinking until I checked out the lyrics.

It doesn’t, so let me tell you why today I was wondering “where does the good go?

Most people experience relationships, love, companionship, marriage or partnership in some form or the other. And a big part of that would be the good times, the blissful times, the comfortable times. There would have been a reason why from a mere acquaintance, two strangers decided to involve their time, energy, emotions and their heart with each other, sometimes even promising and hoping to do that for the rest of their lives. When you are a part of it, you feel fortunate, you feel complete.

Now, somewhere down the line, time, circumstances, situations, bad decisions, and sometimes maybe even an unfortunate choice of words spoils that Utopian state of things and you deal with this change, most people labeling it as “part of a relationship”. Sometimes, things work out, and if it is right, the relationship survives.

Ever so often however, things don’t work out. Thats when you are left wondering (if you are the one who is left), where did the good go? You look around, you see all the things. You close your eyes, you remember all the things. You walk around, you feel the things. But its not there anymore. Its missing, its gone; without a trace and you cannot comprehend.

And everyday, every moment when you have a pause, you wonder, where does the good go?

unorganized thoughtsadmin on 15 Jan 2008 01:42 am

Can it be so hard to know your own self? To be honest with yourself. Too much noise, too many distractions. Too many factors.

I was always intrigued by the concept of entropy. Entropy- the state of a system as being in a state where external influences/factors drive it in a direction of instability.

Is that how humans are too? You start out in a state where your system is in an ideal(?) state. From there on, all you are trying to do is to maintain that state. Fighting against the external forces just to maintain entropy? For humans, as a system, an interesting thing is where is this start? Couldn’t be at birth. That would make things too perfect. Life isn’t perfect. So its probably a time somewhere in your life, different for every individual.

Do I just want to sound like I have clear thoughts or is this even an artifact of the level of entropy of me as a system?