Oh, now she did it. That Ms Jafer went and mentioned chocolate mousse cake (in Canada, is it chocolate moose cake?). I have now been craving chocolate mousse cake since I read the comment. That's about 18 hours. Believe it or not, I even dreamed of eating chocolate cake.

Aaaaaaaaaaargh!

Today's Spam Count: 139
Running Spam Total: 1274

Remember school reports? Remember how you used to get a sealed envelope from the teacher that you were obliged to give to your parents, gritting your teeth as you hoped that no one had given you an "F" and written that you were a total failure? Ah, the joys of youth...

My school reports were generally good (well, excellent actually) until I hit the age of 15 or 16. Things really started going downhill around there and I was saved by a natural nerd ability with computers: without them, I doubt I'd have made it to university. The most annoying thing in school reports, for me, was always the teachers who wrote "Good, but could do better", "Not using his full potential" or some other such expression.

What these people never understood is that I do not wish to be the best in the world at something. I have no driving ambition. I am not in need of fulfillment by defeating my opposition. What I want is to do a good job, be appreciated for it and to go home at night and not worry about the following day.

Of course, these days my boss takes her turn at saying the same thing. She keeps going on about me being an intelligent guy, that I'm capable of this and that and blahblahblah. She keeps pushing to try to turn me into a manager or something. I keep resisting. "Not using his full potential."

One day, I shall have to explain to her that some people don't see promotion as their life's ambition.

I finally had a reasonably relaxing weekend - one email written on Saturday morning does not count as having to work, really, but it did get me a "Good move" comment from my boss. A good thing, considering I have no idea what I'm doing these days.

I spent both days of this weekend sitting around and doing very, very little. I have a feeling somewhere that this weekend was an indicator of how I'm going to continue my life: alone, sat in front of a PC (probably still playing Tropico¹) with the cat on my lap.

Not that I would have a problem with this, personally. It just seems to be the rest of society that has difficulty understanding the fact that I'm not interested in relationships. Of course, Psycho also refuses to understand it since she's in a period of declaring undying love for me (and consequently pissing me off really badly).

Why is there this obsession with relationships? I mean, I can understand that social interaction is important: I would never live alone without talking to anyone and working purely virtually. That'd be appalling. However, I don't get the push-push-go-and-get-a-girlfriend thing. Why does sharing your life with someone make you a better person?

Personally, I think it'd make me a worse person: I wouldn't be able to trust them, for starters, given my assumption that love doesn't last and the historical fact that every girlfriend has eventually cheated on me because I'm "too nice". I'd have to put up with the usual character assassination and guilt tactics that are so popular for manipulating men. She'd demand constant attention and affirmation of her wonderfulness (the usual "Oh, I'm so insecure" crap that infests my life). She'd probably want to spawn offspring.

Is it better to make the effort, to share my life with some pain in the arse, to procreate, overpopulate the planet even more and inflict the pain of existence on some poor, unsuspecting little baby? Or is it not, therefore, better for me to avoid making someone unhappy with my bad attitude (as any female readers will no doubt call it)? Is it not better for me to remain the sad, lonely old git and at least give a cat a decent home?

I mean, it's not like I miss the sex, now, is it?

¹ Incidentally, I watched an episode of Jake 2.0 this weekend... in which the music used was the same as that playing on the game (Tropico) on my main PC. How bizarre is that? Is that some sort of geek joke or something?

Today is Difficult Decision Day. OK, so the entry title is misleading and insulting to those who actually are living in poverty, but that's how I feel at the moment. When I came to France, I had over half a million French Francs of debt. Five years of contract work and a heck of a lot of cutbacks got me out of that hole (a feat of which I am rather proud), but the apartment purchase has dropped my bank balance to below zero this month. Given my past, this is understandably a very scary situation, although in real terms not a very serious one.

Since digging myself out of that financial nightmare over the last few years, my lifestyle has changed pretty dramatically. Where I used to stack endless piles of accumulated junk and worthless nonsense in attempts to fulfill a lack of affection (oooh, psychology), I now have few possessions and only keep what is essential or important. The move to the new place proved this, with only boxes of computer CDs and films on DVD, a big bag of clothes, a few items of furniture, the PC and a couple of boxes of 'stuff'.

Of course, part of my problem is that I am overly generous with money. In the last month before buying the new place, I estimate that well over 50% of my income went to other people. That's how I am: I honestly believe life pays us back for the things we do - both good and bad - and would prefer to be generous and poor than horrible and rich. Life has so far been kind in return, for example by ensuring I never get into trouble at the bank, my mortgage rate is low and I found a really cool place that wasn't expensive. Not to mention continued good health (in general) and a cuddly cat.

So, the Difficult Decision. I would very much like to go over to IKEA on Friday and pick up some shelves and other small items for the new place, but the bank won't be very happy with me. I have a little cash tucked away in a secret place (OK, so it's a savings account and isn't secret at all, but it sounded more impressive that way) that I could use for this purpose, but I'd rather not. I could also wait another week until I get paid, then go. The advantage of going there on Friday is that it's a "bridge day" between tomorrow's public holiday and the weekend, so there won't be many people and I'll have extra days to do the actual installation.

Do I dive into debt for a week or so, or do I hold on and go later? Choices, choices. All this decision-making is very bad for me, I'm sure.

The second series of J'ai décidé de maigrir¹ started last night on one of the six national TV channels, M6. Since I was over at Psycho's and she was asleep, I figured I'd watch it. The idea is that six people of varying sizes - four women and two men this time, I believe - decide to lose some weight over a period of six months. The series follows them through the bad times and the good and is presumably designed to encourage people to lose weight. Thankfully, it seems to be based upon the e=M6 series of scientific documentaries so, although it gets a bit "reality TV" at times (read "crap and confrontational") it is built on sound foundations.

In the first series they had people such as a centre-of-the-world princess bimbo who was desperate to lose weight to be a fashion model (oh, what a wonderful choice of role model that was!), but this time round they've avoided such stupid decisions. The worst individual is one of the guys who is, to be blunt, an arsehole. Same age as me, single, salesman, likes to go out and party and thinks he's really cool. He's not. Of course, he doesn't follow any of the doctor's advice, because he knows better. At least it should be fun watching him have a major organ failure on film.

Also on the up-side this time round is the fact that at least two of the women recognise that their weight problem is not simply a result of eating too much or the wrong things. The psychological aspect of "comfort eating" to fill an emotional gap is included, which bodes well as long as it's dealt with properly. We'll have to see how that turns out.

Why am I going on about this show? Well, first off it's quite unusual for me to bother with a television series, since I don't own a TV. About the only things I watch regularly are Caméra Café and Une nounou d'enfer² because I am over at Psycho's at that time of the evening. Admittedly, the first eight seasons of Friends are also in a cupboard at her place (we both love that series) and I have all of Stargate SG-1 at home.

Secondly, the question of personal weight is of interest to me. I hate that fat people are so badly treated in life and suffer so much discrimination and bullying from the mindless idiots who seem to populate most places. I was a chubby kid, you see, so I know what it's like - even though I'm as thin as a rake these days (due to stress, mostly). Personally, I don't think fat people are ugly³: obesity is unattractive, yes, but a little extra poundage can add some interesting curves!

Also, being skinny, I put up with a fair amount of crap from heavier folks. The constant commentary of "You don't know what it's like!" or "But you can eat whatever you want!" belies the fact that being thin and not being able to put on weight can be as painful as being fat. I'm six feet tall. I weigh around 140 pounds. It's taken me two years of effort to put on five pounds and reach that point, so don't come running (irony not intended) to me complaining about how such-and-such a diet doesn't work quickly enough for you to have visible results!

This morning, I was chatting to a chum about the TV show after he sent me this news item, which I found ridiculous. I agree entirely on the whole "fat and fit" idea - just look at Sumo wrestlers, who are very fat, but also incredibly fit - but once again it's a piece that blames the government and society for the problem. I despise people who pass their problems off as someone else's fault. "I'm fat because my local council sold a playing field to build a new MacDonalds." No, you're fat because you're a stupid bastard who bows to advertising pressure, always eats (supersized) meals in that MacDo and never used the playing field when it was there. I grew up in the same society, remember? Hello? McFly?

Personal fitness, appearance and weight are precisely that: a personal responsibility. I'm not saying it's easy. I'm merely suggesting it's better to try to change than to blame someone else for the problem and wait for a Fairy Godmother to solve it.

¹ "I've decided to lose weight" or, literally, "I've decided to get thinner".

² Otherwise known as "The Nanny". Yup, the one with Fran Drescher. I know - disturbing, isn't it?

³ My preference is actually for skinny people, but that doesn't mean I don't find a curvy woman to be a yummy proposition...

A feeling of foreboding has been stalking me for the last couple of days. I'm not entirely sure what it is, but I have my suspicions: life's equilibrium. Given how much good luck I've had in the past week or two, I am now expecting the balance to restore itself by slapping me smartly about the face.

Admittedly, there have been some unpleasant events in the same period that I haven't bothered mentioning here - another Psycho financial nightmare and a suicide attempt by a friend, to mention but two - but I don't really see those as balancing the good stuff. Bizarre as it may sound, those are just everyday events in my life.

The 'good' that needs to be balanced is the new apartment and the appearance of 'Cashier Girlie' (as Scary Ross is wont to call her). These are exceptional events with perfect timing and will require some serious shit to hit for things to be centred.

Of course, the first thing I expect to happen is my brutal rejection by Cashier Girlie. She hasn't called, despite my leaving her a couple of messages. Ah, well. Can't say I expected anything different.

¹ Which has little to do with the excellent film of the same name.

Listening to Yahoo!'s LAUNCHcast radio - which is free and surprisingly good - I heard a quite appalling advertisement for their personals service. Since I'm a twisted, cynical old bugger, I thought I would drop in on their pages and have a look at what's (or rather, "who's") there, mostly to laugh at the way people describe themselves.

A couple of examples:

"I am an out going intelligent girl who enjoys the company of others. I have a great sense of humour and enjoys a great laugh! A man with a great sense of humour is truely attractive in a man. In addition, intelligence is important, but do you have common sense? If you do contact me! P.S boys don't forget to attach your profile!!!!!!"

Basically, this one's saying "Despite considering myself intelligent, I can't write properly." Insisting so heavily on intelligence indicates she's going to be an absolute nightmare and have a serious problem with anyone smarter than her, and the age-old "a sense of humour is attractive" thing is just an attempt to cover the fact that she wants to go out with a Brad Pitt look-alike.

"I’ve been told that I’m very attractive but yet sadly enough I’m still waiting for my sweetheart - my prince charming.....is not that I’m choosy but is just that I want to be in the right man’s arms. I believe in true love and I know someday I will find it......and we will have a beautiful life together..... I have travel quite a fair bit searching for my true love, I’m disappointed but I’m not going to give it up. Hope someone out there can complete my search and my soul.....let me know if you can help..... ’) My darling should be full of love and life. He should be amazing yet someone down to earth, mature, independent and genuinely commitment to me forever. I’m looking for someone loving & caring with whom I would be very please to spend my entire life with, someone that I’m proud to regard as my partner, someone who will be my best friend, I trust and respect - certainly some who will promise to keep me happy in a lasting relationship!! Please do me a favor, if you find him, tell him I’m waiting for him...... "

A wonderful piece of text. This one clearly announces "I want to marry someone who's perfect. If you're perfect, contact me and I'll let you look after me, pay for everything (emotionally and financially) and be my slave for the rest of your life." She obviously watches far too many daytime soaps. Being a spoilt little princess, you will note that there is nothing about what she's offering in her introduction: she just wants to take and assumes that her mere presence in your life will be exchange enough.

So I started thinking about how I would describe myself if I were to post an ad on one of these sites, in the style they expect. Then I wondered how different it would be if I posted the truth.

"Outgoing, dynamic, fun-loving, ambitious male seeks intelligent, charming woman to share romantic evenings, wild weekends and perhaps the rest of eternity. I am kind and generous, faithful, financially secure, reasonably good-looking, smart and funny, energetic: a real modern gentleman. You are intelligent, independent and have a smile to light up the room."

Of course, that's nowhere near the truth. In reality, my personal ad should read more along the lines of this:

"Male computer geek seeks like other. I am kind, generous, faithful, smart, not horribly ugly, reasonably funny, can be romantic and am otherwise as dull as dishwater. I enjoy evenings in front of the PC or watching a good film with a pizza delivered to the door. I am boring: I hate travel, going out and pretending to have fun with pseudo-friends who just want to manipulate me into expending energy on making their lives better because they're too lazy to do it themselves. I will happily spend hours listening to you, discussing life, but I refuse to answer to your every whim and treat you like a spoilt little princess. You are breathtakingly intelligent and independent, a modern woman who believes in true equality. You are not psychotic, schizophrenic, pathetically fragile or horrendously complicated and do not live your life from crisis to crisis, expecting someone else to take responsibility for solving your problems. You aren't necessarily pretty, but you don't look like a walrus on a bad hair day."

Yup. Guess who's still single?

Three more days until the end of the year. Three more days of work, then I can go away for more than a week, relax, play games, watch films and not switch on my laptop except to chat with Scary Ross. Three more days.

2004. Isn't it strange to think that we're already in the third millenium (and haven't yet managed to destroy the entire planet)? I still clearly remember being at junior school and thinking that the year 2000 seemed so far away. I wondered what I'd be doing when I was 'so old'.

From the age of about 16, I had this 'ideal job' that I wanted to find. I wanted to go to University, study computer stuff, then get a job where I would be well-paid, could go in to the office in jeans, have long hair and be a sort of local IT guru for my colleagues.

The amazing thing is... that's what I do. And I even get to work from home.

That is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous family crap
Or to take arms against a sea of annoying idiots,
And by opposing end them?

The wonder of Christmas Day. Mine will be spent protecting Psycho from the slings and arrows of her very own disfunctional family, while avoiding the same from mine.

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Xmas, Giftmas, Yule/Winter Solstice, the birth of the Sun King, Hannukah, Chanukah or just 'Happy Holidays', I hope that you and yours are well, and that we can all find a small spark of real feeling to express amongst all the commercialism and falsehood.

Have a good one!

Jackie had some interesting things to say about Ross being right, so I thought I'd blab on about that for a while, without going into a load of detail of specifics.

While I agree, to a certain extent, that "If being you happens to validate someone else's self-damaging behaviour, then that's life.", I have to say that it is also impossible to live in an isolation bubble. We all have contact with other humans and our interactions with them have to be taken into consideration when deciding on a course of personal action. This is even more true in a situation where one cares for the other person.

So I suppose the question becomes just how much you should curtail 'being yourself' for the good of someone else. Putting that another way, how far should you change your behaviour to support a friend and encourage a change in their life?

On the whole bastard thing, I also have to say that I disagree entirely. I would never be one, but not being a bastard is definitely a lot harder than being one, and pays off a lot less. That, I'm afraid, is the way life is.

"That's it, you see. It *is* your fault. By not correcting her erroneous (and self-damaging,) behaviour, you're validating her life model and making it persist. Hope you're proud of yourself."

Entirely true. Of course, it assumes that she has too little strength of character or mind to spot this herself and do something about it, which is also probably true.

Sounds like I should take those "Be A Total Bastard To Women" courses after all.

What do you get if you cross a population's mind-boggling gullibility with a love of massive profit? Corporate Politics.

I just don't get it. How can an entire population be so incredibly dumb or so utterly apathetic as to not only allow their leader to declare war on other countries willy-nilly, but to know their entire governmental system is putrefying under their very noses and not do a damned thing about it?

I am, of course, talking about the United States, but this stuff is getting just as bad elsewhere, too. Virtually every capitalist democracy is infested with greedy scumbags willing to shaft their own grandmothers for a fast buck. It riles me, it really does.

The blindingly obvious example of this is Bush declaring war on the country of his choice ("Now, which should we attack? Where's all the oil...") without asking the people who voted him into power, without the agreement of the international community and without a good reason or any proof to substantiate his claims. Everyone's aware of this. Yet he is still in power, protected by the many millions of those for whom he fights... the corporate big-wigs.

That subject has been discussed to death. I have only this to say, quoting directly from Herman Goering, Reichsmarschall and boss of the Luftwaffe: "...the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. This is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in every country."

And now, on a much smaller scale, we have the new Feel Free To Spam Everyone law (thanks to Kasia for the link). It's not war and it won't cause any death, but it will certainly cause a lot of discomfort: basically, the US Government needed some ideas on how to deal with spam. Rather than turning to industry experts, they asked Microsoft, AOL and other big companies, who of course don't want spam to end at all! They'd much rather have it legalised so they can do it themselves and get in on all that (supposedly) multi-million dollar business that until now they had had to denounce as an annoyance. Congratulations. I wonder how many politicians accepted big 'thank you' payments for that one.

What's even more annoying is that the US is responsible for a massive amount of the spam I receive. I'm in Europe, dumbasses! I don't need US prescription medication, to remortgage my US home or to have a bigger penis with US-delivered drugs. Thanks to the pocket-the-money attitude of another country's government, I had over 1,000 emails this morning, of which maybe 100 were not bulk mailings.

So why doesn't the population do anything about it? Well, I guess there must be many reasons: goodness only knows what percentage of the voting population has the IQ of a rotting vegetable thanks to the wonders of MTV, what percentage is totally misinformed and misdirected by the carefully pruned news broadcasts on CNN, Fox and other stations (why deal with what's important when you can handle things like banning smoking or ensuring Arnie wins his local election as governor?) and what percentage has simply given up any hope of actually being represented. Everyone's been carefully herded and trained to worry about themselves and no one else. A huge TV and lots of possessions are more important than your kids' future. As long as you're alright, nothing else matters. The government is your friend. Roll over and give me your cash. Conform.

With great power comes great responsibility, they say. Bullshit, I say. I've never seen a more irresponsible bunch of idiots running a country, although the British seem to be giving it their best shot these days and the French are soon to follow.

I don't care,
I don't care,
I don't care if she comes round 'ere!

As mademoiselle says, "Everyone else was doing it, so why shouldn't I?". Indeed. It's early, it's Sunday, I have nothing better to do than sit here twiddling my brain-thumbs and hating my main PC, so I shall move with the herd:

A - Act Your Age: 33 - and just who defines how I should act at a given age?
B - Boyfriend: Nope, I'm not one.
C - Chore You Hate: Shopping for food for Psycho, who seems to think I will happily do this for her and don't need any thanks.
D - Dad's Name: Herbert.
E - Essential Make-Up Item: Notepad. How can I make stuff up if I can't write it down to remember later?
F - Fave Actress: Winona Ryder.
G - Gold or Silver: Silver.
H - Homeland: The Armpit of the United Kingdom, otherwise known as Essex.
I - Instruments You Play: Piano (part of one tune). I can't read music, but am determined to one day learn to play guitar (of which I own two).
J - Job Title: I've never had an official one. At the moment I'm somewhere around 'Technical Lead', 'IT Analyst' or 'Project Coordinator'. Personally, I think 'Tea Boy' would be most fitting of my abilities.
K - Kids: Lightly roasted, please. I have none and want none. The world is quite crowded enough and is a horrific thing to inflict upon an unsuspecting soul. I refuse to bring any new life into this world purely for my own enjoyment or through feelings of obligation.
L - Living Arrangements: Alone, with a cat and rabbit. The only way to live is with animals.
M - Mom's Name: Jean.
N - Number of Women You've Slept With: Slept or had sex? Either way, I can't really remember: it's not something I obsessively count. I would guess around half a dozen or so. And no, I won't say in which category. :)
O - Overnight Hospital Stays: One, when I put my back out. Got to try morphine, too. Woooo, funky dreams.
P - Phobia: Arachnophobia.
Q - Quote You Like: "Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em."
R - Religious Affiliation: Pagan/Wiccan. I have nothing against any religion, provided they do harm to no one (and preferably either don't try to convert me or at least accept a difficult discussion!).
S - Siblings: 4 brothers, all older than me.
T - Time You Wake Up: 6:45, up at 7:00. At the weekends, I get up nearer 8:00.
U - Unique Habit: No habit is unique.
V - Vegetable You Refuse to Eat: Spinach. I actually refuse to eat more meats than vegetables.
W - Worst Habit: Lying (extremely well) to avoid dropping emotional defences.
X - X-Rays You've Had: Teeth (for braces) and back (when I screwed it up).
Y - Yummy Food You Make: Some would say "Chicken Ding", but I'd personally say I do a really nice chicken with veggies and gravy thing. Basically, anything I make that is simple is edible.
Z - Zodiac Sign: Capricorn (old goat).

Have you ever noticed how the things that mark us are often the smallest, stupidest little occurences? Obviously big events mark us as well - wars, deaths, births, marriages, historical events and so on will also rest in our memories - but the ones that really stay are often the dumb little personal things.

Take as an example two questions: "Where were you when the Berlin Wall was torn down?" and "Can you name your favourite Muppet?" Which of those is easier to answer? Obviously, this is simply an example, but I would be willing to bet that the latter is easier than the former: we remember the things that affect us personally, no matter how silly.

I was thinking about this because I've been cleaning up the flat again - yes, the continued de-junking of the past! I've worked my way round about two-thirds of the lounge now, filling five or six bin-bags with rubbish in the process, and noticed just how difficult it is to throw some things away. The things that mark us are often ridiculous.

Presents (no matter how inappropriate, uninteresting or useless) seem to be among the worst offenders, along with cards and notes from people I care about. Books, of course, are incredibly difficult to throw away (and I have kept them all), particularly those in my little Zelazny collection.

Computer bits are the next in line: hardware that is out of date, software that I may never use and even case screws! In fact, this is the one area in which I am willing to make concessions. I never throw away computer bits and have often been very glad I don't: an old CD drive or graphics card can be a life-saver quite often when a machine blows a part. Not that this happens to me a lot, of course. Oh no. Definitely not. Honest.

The worst thing for me at the moment is the stack of boxes in the middle of the lounge. I know I have to deal with them, but I'm lazy. There's a huge box that the server arrived in, plus a bunch of smaller ones filled with stuff I brought over from the UK that needs sorting through. I'm unsurprisingly reluctant to go through about 800 old floppies to see what's on them.

Ah, well. It has to be done, I suppose. I've found some wacky things from my past since starting this cleanup, anyway, and need to clear those boxes so I can vaccuum properly.

Oh, and by the way: "At University in London" and "Animal".

I haven't done one of these for ages, so I thought I would:

1. Herpes :: Itchy
2. Freddy :: Krueger
3. October :: Red
4. Hunting :: Assholes
5. MSN :: Massive Sucky Network
6. 36 :: -24-36 (and no, I have no idea if that would be practical or not)
7. Hotel :: London
8. Travesty :: Queen
9. Health :: Clinic
10. Conditions :: Contracts

The KFC is back again. No, I don't mean the Colonel's secret recipe, chicken fillet burgers or greasy-stick-to-your-finger-lickin'-good-southern-fried food restaurants. I mean the Karma F*@!ing Comedian.

About a week ago, I had a sudden urge. This wasn't the kind of urge that Scary Ross or Psycho would imagine (and if you really want to know what those kind of urges are, I think you should probably seek help... quickly), but an urge to clean my apartment. This happens every few years: I'm talking about a serious clean-out here, a Feng Shui style removal of unneeded clutter, the discarding of an old life before starting a new one. So I started cleaning: scary amounts of utter crap (including a birthday card from five years ago with £10 in the envelope... d'oh!) were found and removed, filling three bin bags. Since I have only cleaned about 10% of the apartment so far, that's quite disconcerting.

While I was still in this mindset of throwing away an old life, my boss suddenly contacted me on Monday. Apparently, the way the company works is changing from a skill-based setup to a process-based setup. I have no idea what this means: it sounds like management gibberish to me, but whatever. In practical terms, it means that I am to move away from learning new skills/applications and being an expert in certain things. I am now to learn processes and do more analysis of development requirements and other such analytical things. Given that this company moves at the speed of light, I had until yesterday afternoon to decide if I liked this idea or would not be interested.

Now, this is one of those 'crossroads' decisions (no, I don't mean 'whether to watch an awful movie with Britney Spears in it'): if I say no, they won't fire me but will consider my response a resistance to new ideas and tag me as an aging techie hippy who is probably becoming less useful to keep around. If I accept, I have to change everything I've worked on in the last ten years - and the way I worked on it - for a new set of skills, ideas and work processes. In other words, I have to completely change my job.

I noticed, while stressing my poor little brain cells about said decision, that there is nothing I am passionate about these days. That's not to say I don't like my job - I love it and enjoy it very much - nor that there is nothing I want to do, simply that there's nothing I am passionate about. Everything's much of a muchness. It's all the same when it comes down to it: be it Siebel, Business Objects, web servers, Unix administration... it's all just the same thing with a different front end. While this is comfortable, it's not the best situation: hence, I find myself at the crisis crossroads.

Do I continue as I am? Do I change for something new? Do I leave entirely and start from scratch? Do do be doo?

These thoughts went round in my head for a long time. It's an important decision, after all. Then, slowly, I started noticing all the little pointers and signs. Now, I'm not one for "Signs And Portents" (Scary Ross reference that others won't understand!), but this just all seems to be the flow leading to a certain place at a certain time.

Firstly, there was the cleaning urge. Then there was the job question. Then I noticed that the episode of the TV series I was watching at that exact time was called "Into The Fire" and concerned the final confrontation of opposing sides, difficult choices and new beginnings. Then there was Psycho being 99.9% certain of having a job in two weeks. The little hairs on the back of my neck went "wooooo" and I started to think that, maybe, life was giving me a kick in the butt.

"Who are you?"
"What do you want?"

I think my decision is made. Now I just have to kick-start my brain and dig into the pile of work that's waiting.

I have two weeks off work, starting next Monday. It's been a fairly long time since I took a holiday that was actually a holiday and more than a few days long. Unfortunately, I shall be heading to the UK for the first week, to see my mum, with Psycho in tow: this will, therefore, be a non-holiday. Again.

Yes, yes, of course I know I should leave her here. Everything in life is a trade-off, unfortunately, and everything we do has far-reaching consequences. For a week of holidays in the UK, I will be able to reduce the HAIP (How Annoying Is Psycho) level by a good 60%, arm myself with more defensive weapons (of the I'm Nice To You, So Stop Whining brand) and also relax with some decent meals that I don't have to prepare myself. It's a high price to pay, but it's worth it in the long run.

Thankfully, I have a friend here in Paris who will look after our animals while we're gone: the Kung-Fu Midget is entirely trustworthy and very responsible. And yes, if she knew I'd just called her that, I imagine she'd take no small pleasure in breaking several bones for me. She, incidentally, is also one of those folks who keeps telling me I do too much for Psycho and so on: she is someone who I could give certain 'advice' to, myself... but I won't. Pots calling kettles black are annoying, after all.

After the week in the UK, I will have a slightly more proper holiday here in France: a second week, doing whatever I want. Of course, Psycho will still be annoying as hell and absorbing a far-too-high percentage of my free time, but at least I won't have to deal with work for a while. Lots of pizza, lots of chocolate, lots of films... a nice, relaxing week in perspective.

For now, I should get back to some work: I need to get as much done as I can this week, to leave things as clear as possible.

I thought I'd get all deep and meaningful for a moment this morning. Jackie's comment on my last post is an interesting one and, once again, that young lady has started me thinking!

"Is that saying about 'life's what you make it' true?" she asks. Well, that's a difficult question and things are always more complicated than they seem at first glance, or than they sound here. Incidentally, the friend who had the nose operation is doing very well: huge black eyes, of course, but she can breathe better and is very happy to have had it done.

My philosophy of life has, for quite some years, been "Life sucks, but that's just life". This may sound depressive, but it's not meant in that way: it's more of a stoical thing. Life will deal what it will and we must take it as it comes, preferably without becoming overly cynical, bitter or angry that we aren't the centre of the world. Obviously, we can influence certain things and not others, and that's where the difficulty lies: spotting the difference.

"Life's what you make it" is not an expression I would use. To begin with, I believe that life is (to borrow an old comparison) like a huge river: there are currents that lead in a general direction, against which we can choose to fight and try to redirect ourselves or with which we can paddle and move swiftly further downstream. Some currents should be fought, but it is just that - a fight, a tiring struggle against the weight of something much stronger and influential than us. It is impossible to paddle upstream, unfortunately, so we are limited to trying to redirect ourselves, perhaps to another tributary.

In addition, there are billions of other people paddling down that same river. Some of them are nice folks who will pull alongside our boat and stop to chat or will give us a shove when we've run aground. Others are self-centred, egotistical scumbags who will bump us out of the way, splash us with water and be generally unpleasant in their course downstream. Yet others are saboteurs, carrying hammers to smash holes in our boat and try to make us sink.

To a certain extent, then, I would agree that we can influence our own lives. This is a fairly obvious statement: call it 'the Divine right of free will', 'the wonder of human intelligence' or whatever you like, but it allows us to make decisions to try to alter circumstances rather than just going with the flow of that river without a paddle (excuse the pun).

On the other hand, I also believe that the threefold rule does actually have basis in reality. I know, many of you will be shaking your heads and thinking "sheesh" or something similar, but I honestly believe that life has a way of balancing itself out. Call it 'the holistic nature of the universe' or even 'chaos theory', but every action we take comes back bigger later. I've seen it happen (yes, that could be coincidence, if you believe in it).

So, if you put together those parts of my personal philosophy of life, you end up with a desire to paddle along with life, redirecting myself gently against unfriendly currents, while accepting the generally crappy nature of reality. I also do as much good as I can around me, trusting that it will come back in the future and do me three times as much good. I may whine and complain about sacrificing myself for certain friends (and indeed, it is never good to overdo it, which I do - that's one of the biggest problems with being 'Mr Nice Guy'), but when it comes down to it, I'm happy with my life. I will not sabotage other people, either: the universe will deal with them itself, throwing them much pain and anguish later in life (and I will chuckle to myself when it happens).

So in answer to the original question: no, life is not what you make it. There are far too many factors (human and otherwise) for it to be so easy. Life's direction, however, can be influenced. You just need strong arms and a good paddle.

Thought I'd do today's This or That while I'm waiting for some reports to run:

1. Strawberries or blueberries?
Strawberries, definitely. My parents used to grow their own... very yummy!

2. "Legally Blonde 2" or "Terminator 3"?
Both! Reese Witherspoon is a wonderful actress, even if she is getting a bit stereotyped into silly roles that are a waste of her talent. The first film made me laugh, the second should do so, too. As for the Terminator films, well... unmissable!

3. Hamburgers or hot dogs?
If I had to choose, I'd opt for a hot dog, but both are fine with me.

4. Boating or hiking?
Neither, really: hiking if I had to choose. I'd prefer to walk down to a river and lie on the bank watching other people boating.

5. Suntan lotion or sunblock?
There's a difference? Ummm... I don't go out in the sun much, so never really need it.

6. "Big Brother" or "The Amazing Race"?
Neither. TV sucks.

7. Beach Boys or Jimmy Buffett?
Neither: I prefer actual music to nonsensical garbage (and who's Jimmy Buffett, anyway?). *grin*

8. Grow your own produce or buy from supermarket/greengrocer/farm stand?
I live in an apartment in the middle of the city, so I have to buy.

9. Drive with car windows/top down, or with air-conditioning on?
Top down or windows open, definitely. Air conditioning plays havoc with my throat, since I'm not used to it at all. I have to put up with it at work and it's a nightmare.

10. Go away for vacation, or stay at home?
Stay at home, every time. I have so little time to myself these days that if I can sit around with the cat for a few days, I will.

This week, I have a lot of training courses. Considering I haven't been trained (officially) on anything since starting at my current workplace some five and a half years ago, this is very much a novelty for me. That's not a complaint, particularly, since I have always enjoyed just picking up applications and learning them by using them, but it's nice to receive proper direction for once.

The training's on Business Objects, which I've been using since November - as always, I asked to start from the Beginner course and work right through all four days of training up to the Advanced Level 3. I have always considered it best to re-learn from scratch when being officially trained: I used to give courses myself and people coming in for the intermediate or advanced levels were always more difficult to teach unless they'd done the basics. This is because, despite the beginner level being very basic, unless one has been taught the building blocks, there will be gaps in one's knowledge that are annoying to fill when trying to teach at a higher level.

Of course, there's also the 'off on a jolly' aspect of the training: an extra day of not having to deal with my normal work is another good excuse for doing the basic course!

Anyway, I spent yesterday doing the beginner course and have the first two advanced levels tomorrow and Thursday. Excellent. The really surprising thing is just how interesting yesterday's course was. To begin with, the trainer was very good. He's an ex-developer and French, so he was a little hesitant in English - all our courses are in English, since they're always international - but very understandable. The five other people on the course (one Brit, one Spanish lady, one Belgian lady and a couple of Germans) were lots of fun and actually were beginners and interested in the subject.

The best thing, though, was how much I learnt - despite (in all honesty) thinking I would be wasting most of the day, I have actually learnt an enormous amount about the application. All the things I was doing by 'going the long way round', I can now do more efficiently and I've picked up at least a dozen tips and tricks on other parts of the program. I am very pleased.

It didn't hurt that the German girl was smart and pretty (and wore glasses!), either.

I was over at Ronnie's just this morning, where he has a wonderful item about being rude. I can't link it direct, since the poor chap doesn't have the web space for daily archiving, but it brought back memories of when I lived in Cardiff.

"You lived in Cardiff?" I hear you say. I did indeed. After University (which was in London, and was where I met my brother, Scary Ross), I was still with E.S. We wanted to be together, but she was (and still is) American, so her staying in the country depended on her situation. She decided to do a Ph.D. (in English Literature, I believe) and applied to Edinburgh University as well as Cardiff. Edinburgh would have accepted her, but a year later. So we ended up in Cardiff.

Incidentally, Cardiff (or Caerdydd in Welsh - see, I learnt something while I was there!) is in and is the capital of Wales (Cymru). It is not in England. It is, however, part of the United Kingdom and of Great Britain, as are Scotland and England. I just thought I'd point that out.

We lived together there for about six months, right up until she started two-timing me with some chap, I found out and caught her, ranted, destroyed everything in the apartment (purely for visual effect and I didn't break anything that was mine), went off for a training course and came back to find that not only had she moved out, but she'd taken half my stuff with her and left a note asking for a cheque for 'her half' of the stuff she'd paid for and left behind (i.e. the stuff that wasn't nailed down or was too big to carry, like the bed).

Just one of the reasons she is the only person I use the word 'bitch' to describe.

Anyway, I digress. What does this have to do with the link between my memories of Cardiff, Ronnie's web site and something called Kosh? Well, nothing at all: I was talking about Cardiff and got sidetracked!

While I was in Cardiff, I worked in a shop called 'Virtual Reality'. It was a computer gaming shop, the concept of which was to focus on multimedia. It was a bit ahead of its time, to be honest, stocking CD games, next-gen consoles and so on back in 1991 when people didn't know if they were a good idea or not. The guy who invented the idea apparently invented the Virgin Megastore, too. Very nice boss and we got on like a house on fire. The shop, incidentally, was bought out by Beatties (the model shop people) and ruined by stocking radio-controlled cars and Airfix kits in the back. The new manager hated me, too, because I knew how to sell computer stuff and he didn't. D'oh.

We not only had a real VR machine (way cool, flying a Tornado in three dimensions), but also a couple of consoles on timers which the kids could play with. This is, finally, where the link to Ronnie's blog of yesterday comes in: adolescents being rude and refusing to share.

We had a little control panel behind the counter where we could reset the game and set a timer (from 60 seconds of play up to 7 minutes, and an 'unlimited' switch - neat gadget, that!). So visiting kids would ask to play, we'd reset one of the consoles and they could play for a while. I was always really mean about it, except to the geeky kids: being a geeky kid myself, I understood their need for some kind of acceptance and to not be further downtrodden by the cooler masses.

Whenever a kid asked if s/he could play, I would only let them if they said 'please'. Thankfully, 80% of them did. But I still remember one particular day...

Kid Geek comes into the shop. He approaches the counter and shyly stands to one side while I finish dealing with my customer. He waits quietly. Kid Cool enters the shop behind him, strutting confidently and directly to the console on the other side of the shop. "Hey! Switch the console on!" he shouts at me. I finish with my customer and turn to Kid Geek, asking him what he would like. "I'd like to play on the console," he says.

Kid Cool snorts angrily and leaves. Sometimes life is wonderful.

And what does this have to do with a Vorlon called Kosh? Nothing, actually. I've just been watching a few episodes and liked the quote. Hah!

Too out-of-it to post anything coherent today, so I shall fall back on This Or That Tuesday:

1. Newspapers or magazines?
Neither, really. If there's either lying around in the smoking room, I'll have a quick read of something random. That's mostly just to make sure I can still read French, though!

2. Books-on-tape or regular books?
Regular books: I can't stand hearing some dope's voice reading stuff. The characterisations should be done in one's own imagination, not by an actor. That's the magic of books.

3. Paperback or hardcover?
Not worried: they both contain the same text.

4. Fiction or non-fiction?
Mostly fiction, but I will occasionally pick up a non-fiction read.

5. Sci-Fi/Fantasy or romance novels?
Sci-Fi or fantasy. I like my lack of realism to make sense in its own universe, rather than being nonsensical romantic claptrap in the real world. :)

6. Borrow from library or buy books (either new or used)?
I mostly buy these days, because I read so rarely, unfortunately. I don't even know how to use a French library.

7. Subscribe to magazines or buy on newsstand?
Neither: I don't buy/read magazines.

8. Current best-sellers or classic literature?
Neither: I stick mostly to friends' recommendations or authors I know I like.

9. Read books once, or re-read favorites every so often?
Once. I can't re-read books: I remember it all once I start and it's rather dull. Even years and years later, I still can't re-read them!

10. Here in the U.S., we have two hot best-sellers...former First Lady Hillary Clinton's memoirs, and the new Harry Potter book (coming out June 21). If you had to read one, which one...Hillary or Harry? Why?
I dislike both intensely, but I'd choose Harry Potter. I have no interest in the memoirs of a former wife of a former president of another country, to be blunt. I'd be more interested in reading an honest interview with a current leader.

I always forget Saturday's free association post. Darn and blast it.

1. Arbitrary :: judgement
2. Sweatshop :: Philippines
3. Cotton ball :: rabbit's tail
4. Intimate :: invasive
5. Forgotten :: pain
6. Photography :: camera
7. Secretary :: Maggie Gyllenhaal
8. Stadium :: concert
9. Purpose :: dolphin (har har!)
10. Shoe box :: apartment, thankfully in the past

Just for the record, I despise U2. They used to be a really good band, but then Bono's ego became too large to fit in the UK and they had to leave, for fear of sinking the whole island under the weight of his self-importance: or they should have left, anyway. I mean, come on... first they produce the whole Rattle & Hum crap, then they start sounding like INXS (who really were a jolly good band) and now they just continue spewing mediocre crap-music all over the place. With Bono (who, in addition, has the gall to call himself Bono Vox... puh-leeeeaaaase) also turning into a political prostitute, I have had enough of them.

But that's beside the point. This post isn't about U2. It's about waking up every Sunday morning feeling awful and how great it is to finally get rid of that feeling.

There's a reason for everything. I firmly believe this, as I firmly believe that psychology works and that all my ex-girlfriends need plenty of it. For me, Sunday mornings were always difficult: I'd wake up with a pounding headache, feeling sick. I'd stagger around for a few hours and, fairly frequently, would end up taking a nap in the early afternoon just to feel better.

Then one day, recently, I understood. My father was a very religious man (a Methodist preacher, no less), so I grew up being forced to go to Church every Sunday. If there's ever something you really don't want to do to your kids, it's to force religion on them. That really is monumentally stupid. Of course, it fits the Christian Church perfectly, since they're one of the foremost promoters of guilt and fear on our planet. (Note that I specifically say the Christian Church, that is 'the administration', and not Christianity itself, with which I have no problem at all.)

Anyway, I would be forced to go off to Church every week like a good little boy, right up to the age of fourteen or sixteen. I even ran the risk at one time of getting myself baptised purely to please my father. How ridiculous is that? Well, it's not, of course: my dad was a wonderful man and obviously every child wants their parents to love them. I'm meandering around my subject, though. Why did I feel so bad every Sunday? Because being sick was the easiest way to get out of going to Church!

As soon as I understood this, the horrible feelings of sickness went away. Now Sunday mornings are lovely, wake-up-slowly-and-enjoy-the-moment days. Of course, the down-side (as with most psychological things) is that I obviously haven't completely understood the problem...

...now Saturdays are awful instead.

In the Orwellian tradition, entry 101 may contain your worst fears... thanks to LunaNiña.

1. Suspected :: Believed
2. Indulgent :: Chocolate
3. Advertising :: (nothing)
4. Represent :: Stupid buzzword for adolescents
5. Ethical :: Me
6. Witness :: Harrison Ford
7. Triumph :: Motorbike
8. Talons :: Dragon
9. Finals :: Exams
10. Squeak :: Rat

My head hurts this morning: very annoying. I think it's probably because I am trying to low-level format a 13Gb drive and Windows XP is refusing to format a floppy to hold the tools I need... does anyone else have that problem with this damned system? I simply cannot work with floppies, on the rare occasions I need to: it hates them, it won't format them, it won't put system files on them, it won't even read half of them... nightmare!

I was wandering through my Blogroll this morning, as every morning, and found an interesting piece posted at Ruthie's. It's written by a Benedictine sister, and you can read the full item here. This one really got my brain churning, so it'll go in the 'more' bit - avoid it if you're not interested in a loony's political commentary!

Also found at the same place is a link to some excellent buttons. Expect a couple to appear, but not many. I don't have much use for many of them. No personality, you see...!!

(I just wanted to note that I have nothing against Americans: this is purely a commentary and not intended as a personal slight! Quoted sections from Is There Anything Left That Matters? by Sister Joan Chittister, OSB, in The National Catholic Reporter, 29 May 2003.)

"It matters that [Iraq's infrastructure] was destroyed by us under a new doctrine of 'pre-emptive war' when there was apparently nothing worth pre-empting."

Personally, I would say that the fact there was 'nothing worth pre-empting' is fairly irrelevant: the doctrine of 'pre-emptive war' is, in and of itself, more of a concern for the democratic peoples of the world than anything else. A democracy starting hostilities? When was the last time that happened? At a guess, it'd be Vietnam: the 'Middle/High School' section of this FAQ makes for very interesting reading. So much for peace and goodwill in the world - American governments seem to be proving themselves to be one of the main war-starters (excluding national breakdowns such as in the former USSR, of course).

"It matters to families in the United States whose life support programs were ended, whose medical insurance ran out, whose food stamps were cut off, whose day care programs were eliminated so we could spend the money on sending an army to do what did not need to be done."

Bush seems to be pursuing a policy of 'convince the populace that there are bigger problems abroad' in an attempt to hide his inability to solve the troubles at home - social and economic. This is a fairly standard ploy: anyone who has seen the film Wag The Dog will realise just how standard it is as a ploy. Churn up patriotism (cf. the whole Communism thing that started the Vietnam War... aren't we supposed to learn from history?), get people worried about their lives, fear their 'different' neighbour, fret about possible threats, biological attacks and so on. A dangerous, yet invisible enemy can be a powerful political tool.

"It matters to the Iraqi girl whose face was burned by a lamp that toppled over as a result of a U.S. bombing run. It matters to Ali, the Iraqi boy who lost his family - and both his arms - in a U.S. air attack."

Civilian death and damage is always a pointless waste. Unfortunately, it is the human condition to be greedy, obnoxious and aggressive. The Catholic church is very badly placed to comment on such things (anyone read about the Crusades? The Inquisition? Oh, you have...), but in this case it's a Benedictine sister: one of the oldest orders. I know little of them except for a general feeling of respect and have no desire to personally slight this author... so I think I'll just move on!

"It matters to the United Nations whose integrity was impugned, whose authority was denied, whose inspection teams are even now still being overlooked in the process of technical evaluation and disarmament."

Personally, I find this very, very disturbing. The UN is supposed to maintain a worldwide security council, without the go-ahead of which, one cannot just go invading small nations. That's the whole point. Yet the US government just turned round and effectively placed itself above all authority except its own: this can never be a good thing to do. Everyone must answer to someone (and no, Dubya, you do not answer to God or you wouldn't be killing humans all over the place to make lots of money and retain power).

Now, I'm not stupid enough to think that the UN is impartial: France's refusal to go to war was not stated completely on the grounds of wanting peace. I think we're all aware of that, just as we are aware that it was not purely for the money, either... although I'm sure that made excellent leverage on the whole peace idea. However, why would we have a global security council if no one's going to listen to it?

"And surely it matters to the integrity of this nation whether or not its intelligence gathering agencies have any real intelligence or not before we launch a military armada on its say-so."

I think we all know that the best intelligence agencies in the world are outside the US...

"The unspoken truth is that either as a people we were misled, or we were lied to, about the real reason for this war. Either we made a huge - and unforgivable - mistake, an arrogant or ignorant mistake, or we are swaggering around the world like a blind giant, flailing in all directions while the rest of the world watches in horror or in ridicule."

I believe we watch in both horror and ridicule. I remember seeing a comment by an American on a blog somewhere, discussing this. To paraphrase, he said something along the lines of: "We are a young nation. We have been hurt by the September 11 attacks and, like a child, we will kick out and strike back. The older nations of the world will sigh and see this as an immature reaction: that's what it is. But we will learn and grow older and more mature in the end."

That rings true. Unfortunately, with the weapons available these days, I'm not sure that US 'civilisation' has the same amount of time to mature as older countries such as China and parts of Europe. Or that the rest of the world will put up with it doing so in a violent way for much longer.

"If Bill Clinton's definition of "is" matters, surely this matters. If a president's sex life matters, surely a president's use of global force against some of the weakest people in the world matters. If a president's word in a court of law about a private indiscretion matters, surely a president's word to the community of nations and the security of millions of people matters."

This, to me, is the most telling comparison and that which shows the horrible truth of modern society: it actually matters more that Bill Clinton made a 'private indiscretion' than it does that the government started a war against another country. Such is the result of The MTV Generation: as long as it's shiny and I don't have to think while I'm looking at it, I'm interested.

As for a president's word - or that of any politician - well... how long has it been since anyone actually believed a politician?

"If wars that the public says are wrong yesterday - as over 70% of U.S. citizens did before the attack on Iraq - suddenly become "right" the minute the first bombs drop, what kind of national morality is that?"

The standard US mentality (as seen from outside): might is right, big is better, always win, we know what's best for you, don't think: act. Unfortunately, with the invasion of Iraq, Dubya has proved what most of us here in Europe still hoped was just a stupid stereotype and not actually how the US thinks.

"We like to take comfort in the notion that people make a distinction between our government and ourselves. We like to say that the people of the world love Americans, they simply mistrust our government."

How true: I am as guilty of this as anyone. Unfortunately, the state of politics has removed us so far from the true nature of democracy that we all have a tendency to think like that. Perhaps we should stop. And vote. And demand that politicians answer to us, not the other way round.

"It may be time for us to realize that in a country that prides itself on being democratic, we are our government. And the rest of the world is figuring that out very quickly."

To momentarily borrow an expression from the Christian crowd...

"Amen to that."

This week, it's all about animals. Excellent! This comes, of course, from here.

1. Cats or dogs?
Most definitely 100% cats. Not only am I unamused, untouched and generally cannot see the point of dogs as companions, but they don't like me much either! I've just always been a cat. Cats are superior: they don't have masters, they have housemates. Don't get me wrong, though - I don't hate dogs and I'd never be mean to one - I'd just never want one in my home. Unless they were an abused stray, then I'd look after them until I could find them an owner.

2. Butterflies or birds?
Birds, I would think. I don't think I'm really very bothered either way, although crows and ravens are a positive exception.

3. Horses or cows?
Cows. (And no, I'm not just saying that for Susan...!!) I seem to be in a minority in thinking that horses are ugly, but I've always thought that. Great big long, weird heads, gangly bony legs, stupid teeth... ick. Cows at least are kind of zen in their way of life.

4. Turtles or snakes?
I'm not really into reptiles, but turtles are wonderful creatures. They're just so calm. I have nothing particular against snakes, either.

5. Frogs or grasshoppers?
Frogs are really funky. Something so weird-looking can only have a higher purpose in life that we are unaware of.

6. Lions or tigers?
Difficult choice, this one. Lions (and particularly lionesses) are so calm and regal that one can only have a massive amount of respect for them. Tigers, on the other hand, are just so cool and love water. Since Pie 'Oh' Pah has tiger markings, I have to choose the latter!

7. Elephants or mice?
Ah, they're both splendid animals. Mice are a little stupid, in my opinion, but that's probably because I prefer rats. Elephants are really smart and lovely: I think I have to choose them.

8. Porcupines or aardvarks?
The wonderful weirdness of nature! Both of these animals are marvellously bizarre, but I think I have to opt for the aardvark: anything that manages to survive by eating ants and having such a ridiculous nose deserves respect.

9. Unicorns or dragons?
Dragons. Unicorns are wussy and girly, although they do get to be ridden by virgins, as it were. See my dislike of horses, above.

10. Thought-provoking question of the week: You live in a rather dumpy apartment. A friend offers you a chance to be a roommate at a new place s/he is moving into, but they don't allow pets. You have a pet. Do you find your pet a new home and take the new place, or do you keep your pet and stay put?

I stay put. No one I call friend would ever ask me to abandon an animal, let alone a beloved pet. In addition, anyone who would ask me to do that would immediately be struck off my list of friends.

Today, I would like to invite you all to go over to Flowerhead's blog for yesterday and read one of the best entries I've seen for a long time, anywhere. Every now and then, someone will have a big of a mind splurge, writing down what they're thinking and expressing it so well that it just makes sense. That's one heck of a rant-cum-brain-dump.

The question of "for whom we blog" seems to be a popular bit of navel-watching at the moment in the community. Much like the huge rise in the number of personal web pages when the Web was popularised a few years back, many bloggers are querying their motives at maintaining an online journal. Are they doing this for themselves, for visitors, for some form of acceptance in their lives or for something else?

Personally, I've never had a problem with why I do this: it's for me. It's a way to clean out the stuff in my head that all those evil voices keep saying. If no one ever read it and I was basically typing this for absolutely no other reason than the self-expression it provides, then that's just fine and dandy with me. I'm also not narcissistic enough to point people here, unless they're directly concerned. I do, however, have standards: I trust you will never find a spelling error here, that the grammar will be reasonable in a conversational style and that I will not write in some sort of pseudo-gangsta-rap bullshit fashion (nor in l33t) that deranged children think is cool. I'm an Englishman, old fruit, and jolly proud of knowing how to write correctly.

It's nice that folks visit to read the entries and express themselves: communication is at the heart of all human advancement (thanks for that great expression that I just paraphrased, Stephen Hawking!) and it's always good to hear whether people agree or disagree, even if they won't change my opinion in the end.

Self-expression is essential to the human condition and blogging is just another form: do you paint for yourself, write poetry for the heck of it, sing in the shower? Hell, I talk to the cat and I don't care if my neighbours can hear through the wall or not. Apparently, the vast majority of bloggers are teenagers, too, which makes sense: on the one hand, introspection and the belief that the entire world revolves around oneself is, after all, the global pastime at that age; on the other hand that's the age at which talent generally begins to blossom and self-expression can open a doorway to incredible possibilites.

Regular visitors are nice to have, too: that's where the feeling of 'community' comes from. One grows to understand and 'know' the blogger - actually, this is complete nonsense. None of you know me (except Scary Ross, who lived next to me for two years at University and survived to tell the tale), but you know what I mean by that: you know me better than George Bush or Winona Ryder do, unless they read my blog. And if they do see this, then "Worry about your own country first!" to the former and "Call me!" to the latter. Please don't mix those responses up.

Politics is also a popular slant for blogging: in the same vein as perma-ranting, it provides an easy solution to always being able to complain. In general, I dislike that. Yes, a rant is a great entry and can be lots of fun, particularly if it's well written, but as Ryan recently said, " it gets flat out exhausting to maintain that level of detached cool". It does indeed - being that 'angry' probably indicates that the blogger is either (a) not sincere or (b) needs serious therapy.

A smart discourse on politics, however, can make a very interesting and reassuring read: here, I have come full circle to Flowerhead's posting. I think the reason that particular post struck me, though, was because it was a reasonable rant. Here is an intelligent lady reflecting on life, on politics, on film, her mother and various other things. She's not spitting venom in a pointless attempt to be cool, hip and attract visitors; she's not trying to be dramatic and sensational to hit the number one spot on the news (yes, journalists, that was an intentional dig at your work ethic - and yes, I pointed it out because I think the general IQ of journalists these days is low enough to otherwise overlook it); she's not spewing nonsensical personal crud onto a web site in a vague therapeutic attempt at improving her self-confidence - she's quite simply expressing a lot of internal thoughts very well, making them accessible and reassuring us that there are still people out there who are more concerned with the important issues in life than whatever bullshit nonsense CNN vomits up at prime-time and insists we/you consider important.

While I'm being offensive to journalists, I'd like to say that I really do think that the majority of prime-timers (note: NOT those who are relegated to smaller local stations or the middle of the newscast) are idiots who need their brains rearranging. They are sensationalists to the core and undoubtedly the worst propaganda-spewers since Josef Goebbels: despite their constant whining to the contrary, they really do just make matters worse. Go and report on something really important and stop being politically correct, chasing ambulances or spending more time with shootings than social dysfunction.

Also on journalism, I'd like to point out this massively distorted item that I found via a reply on a blog (thanks, Jim). Read that carefully. Now, the whole article is about whether the war was started on made-up excuses (which, let's face it, everyone's pretty sure of... there's no argument about that here!). However, look at the phrase upon which the whole article gathers momentum: "For bureaucratic reasons we settled on one issue, weapons of mass destruction, because it was the one reason everyone could agree on." Now read the title: "WMD just a convenient excuse for war, admits Wolfowitz." Now read the part about taking troops out of Saudi Arabia, which is bizarrely a good reason for removing Saddam.

In what way, pray tell, does all that back the journalist's point of view? It doesn't: it simply states that the Pentagon considers the average American citizen too stupid to deal with more than one issue, so they picked the one they all agreed on and that was the simplest to understand. That's why I hate journalism: twist the truth, cause a stir, present on point of view, cause a sensation. Do your job properly and stop manipulating the masses, please.

Being powerless to change all these things is, of course, the current human condition. Susan expresses it and I can but agree: even the hope of being able to make a difference is gone in our time. The feeling that, even if I did write the letters to the people in power, even if I did get up and go out and demonstrate (although here in France, I'd get trampled by the huge masses of people on strike), even if I did use that vote... it would make no difference.

"It is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it... anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job." (Douglas Adams)

Money is power. Politics is corrupt. Life sucks. Such are the eternal verities and, until someone honest gains enough money and power (and remains uncorrupted) to step into that milieu and smash some heads together, we're all pretty much condemned to live with the consequences. Personally, I think the Flowerhead entry sums it up beautifully:

"It feels like I'm living in a world of stupid."

1. Do you prefer silence or do you like background sound (music, TV, etc)?
Depends what I'm doing: if I'm playing a game, I leave the music; if I'm doing housework, music is nice; if I'm working, I tend to like it quieter. Of course, all of those can change, dependant on mood.

2. Bathe/shower in morning or evening?
Definitely the morning. I hate leaving the house if I'm still 'unclean'. On the other hand, I will also sometimes bathe of an evening - mostly if I feel like just lying there and soaking in a nice, hot bath. This is particularly true if it's a holiday or if I've been ill for a few days.

3. Sleeping in complete darkness, or with a nightlight on?
Complete darkness (or as close as possible, living in a bright city!). I haven't had a light on in my bedroom since I was very, very young.

4. Lay out clothes the night before, or just grab what's closest in the morning?
Grab what's closest, definitely. I should mention that I don't have to wear smart clothes for work, so I just need jeans and a t-shirt. If I had to wear a shirt and tie, I would probably make sure one was laid out, as such, for the following morning - it not only ensures they're neat, but makes things quicker in the morning.

5. Hang up/fold clothes neatly, or just toss them wherever?
Clean clothes? They stay in the same place they were to dry, until I wear them. Then they get chucked in a big pile, ready for washing.

6. Work out at a gym, or at home on your own (or do you not bother with exercise)?
At home on my own. Gyms are notorious for having a bunch of pretty-boy poseurs who think they own the world, hogging all the equipment. Here in France, it's even worse: they all stand in front of the mirrors and pose. How sad is that? Anyway, I prefer to work out at home, where I don't have to deal with all the idiots.

7. Talk on the phone, or via IM/e-mail?
Email and messengers, definitely. I despise phones. This is probably due to Psycho telephoning me virtually every hour and going on and on and on and on and on and on...

8. Are you usually on time, or late?
On time, unless I'm going somewhere with Psycho: she'll make us late, inevitably. She's incapable of being on time.

9. Spendthrift or frugal?
That depends on how much money I have: if I have more, I will spend a higher percentage. Once the amount coming in drops, I will spend relatively less, to retain a larger percentage 'just in case'. Of course, all this is fairly irrelevant since the vast majority of my money goes on supporting Psycho for the moment.

10. Thought-Provoking Question of the Week: You work with someone who is not in the habit of bathing regularly. The smell seems to be getting worse and worse! Would you: 1. try to do something about it, or 2. try to grin and bear it? If you said 1, what would you do?
I'd tell them: obviously there's a problem and they need to know about it. I'd start by being reasonably subtle, but drop heavier and heavier hints. If they still didn't get it, I'd take them aside and tell them as nicely as I could...

My little reminder popped up this morning as I booted the laptop at work: Friday Five. So I dropped in, less than enthusiastic after a couple of weeks of somewhat dull questions. This week's list is just so intensely uninteresting that I shan't be doing them any more: it's just not worth the effort, for me personally. I have nothing against them at all, it just no longer interests me to discuss what brand of gum I chew. Incidentally, I don't - people chewing gum in public almost always strike me as annoying individuals who have an obsessive need to be moving their jaw (and usually with their mouth open), rather than learning to shut up and listen to life.

So no more Friday Fives here.

A good one from PromoGuy this week - films!! :)

1. Is there a movie you would like to see Hollywood make a sequel to?
Yup - Remo, Unarmed And Dangerous. A woefully underestimated film, which I must have watched at least a dozen times. Looking forward to the DVD release in June!!

2. What movie sequel do you think should never have been made?
Although I haven't yet seen it, probably The Matrix Reloaded: the original was great as it was. There really was absolutely no need to regurgitate it.

3. Are there any books (comic, novel, etc.) that you would like to see made into a movie? Who should star in it?
Roger Zelazny's Amber series would make an excellent transfer, or Clive Barker's Imajica. For the former, Mel Gibson as Corwin. For the latter, someone darker and more twisted for Sartori... if he was still alive, a youngish Peter Cushing would have been excellent.

4. When was the last time the you got a shot at the Doctor's office? Do you prefer them in the arm or your backside? Or would you rather just take a
prescription?
Egad! About ten years ago when I had food poisoning and couldn't stop throwing up. I really don't mind where they go, and they're a lot easier than swallowing pills and stuff. I tend to avoid doctors, anyway.

5. Do you make friends easier in "Real Life" or online or is it about the same? Do you have closer friendships in "Real Life" or online? Why do you think that is? Are you ok with that or would you like to make a change?
Neither, really. I make friends easily in real life (and what's with the quotes there?), but they're rarely close friends. Online, I have very few 'new' friends - probably only two. Online people tend to annoy me because they turn up all the time and want to chat, which is infuriating.

6. When you first got your drivers license how did you feel ? Did you get it on the first try, second, third, more than that ?
Felt great, but scary. I got mine first time round. I love driving.

7. Have you ever had your tonsils removed? Did you ever come close? Tell me about that.
Not as far as I know, no.

BONUS: Who's that girl?
That's no girl, that's Madonna.

Since I'm drinking Hoegaarden (and I VERY rarely drink anything alcoholic), I figured now would be a good time to do the free association for this week, thanks to LunaNina. And yes, there should be an accent on there, but I'm buggered if I'm going to try to find it at this time of night.

And no, Scary Ross, I'm not buggered, thank you kindly.

1. Naked:: Lunch
2. Singular:: -ity
3. Particle:: Beam
4. Unified:: Resource Locator
5. Lion:: through his teeth (lyin', geddit?)
6. Capitulate:: Surrender
7. Quantum:: Mechanics
8. Celestial:: Body
9. Motion:: Detector
10. Delight:: Chocolate

OK, so I sent a set of questions to the folks at the Friday Five over the weekend, but they didn't use them. I guess they were a bit too deep - after all, the ideology of the FF is, quote, "basic questions that just about anyone can answer". Anyway, I thought I'd answer my own questions anyway, just because.

1. If you could commit one crime (successfully) and not be punished for it, what would you do?
I think I'd go for the really obvious choice here, and rob something like the Federal Gold Reserve. All the things like political assassinations never work out for the better anyway, so I might as well just be unhealthily rich.

2. If you could make one crime disappear, so that no person on the planet would *ever* commit it again, which would it be?
Rape. Initially, I thought 'murder', but rape is much more horrible.

3. If you could incarcerate one individual for something they have done, whether it's actually a crime or not, who would it be and for how long?
Despite the HUGE temptation of saying "Andie MacDowell, for life, for being such an ugly, horrible, bourgeois cow", I think I'll have to go for someone I shall call E.S., an ex-girlfriend. I'd love to throw her in prison for a year or two. The crime? Being an egotistical bitch.

4. If you could make one act a crime from this day forward, punishable by law, what would it be?
Bad parenting! It'd be great to force parents to accept the responsibility of the upbringing of their children, instead of letting them do whatever the hell they want and blame society for the consequences. All those parents with screeching children in the supermarket paying fines for unruly conduct; all those with kids who don't go to school paying fines or serving time (community service, for example); all those parents with kids who steal, mug people, bully, deal drugs... all these things punishable. That'd be great. Oh, and of course any parent abusing their child (sexually or violently) can get thrown in prison 'til they rot.

5. Conversely, if you could make one currently criminal act cease to be a crime and no longer punishable, what would it be?
In a worldwide sense, I'd definitely choose "exercising religious and political freedom": in other words, stop the oppression of folks who aren't allowed to choose their own beliefs and express them openly and peacefully. If that could also stop all the stupid terrorism that goes on because of slight intellectual differences, that'd be nice.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not a whiney old bugger, or at least not usually. It's just that the Friday Fives are becoming.... mundane. I need more stimulation. Then again, that's how they're supposed to be: I guess it's time to find another meme. Ho hum, here goes anyway:

1. What drinking water do you prefer -- tap, bottle, purifier, etc.?
Wet water. As long as it's water, I really don't care!

2. What are your favourite flavor of chips?
Terrible grammar there. "What is..." not "What are...". Anyway, I always just like plain old salted ones, unless pickled onion flavour Space Raiders are available.

3. Of all the things you can cook, what dish do you like the most?
Fried salmon steaks accompanied by green beans, no sauce and perhaps a little bit of lemon.

4. How do you have your eggs?
Cooked.

5. Who was the last person who cooked you a meal? How did it turn out?
Me: it's always me who cooks, except on the rare occasions that Psycho does one of her omelettes (which are, I should add, the bestest in the whole wide worruld! And I'm not kidding.). It turned out... boring, but edible.

A rather boring Friday Five this week, although it must be difficult to come up with new questions all the time:

1. Would you consider yourself an organized person? Why or why not?
Nope. I don't have the patience for it.

2. Do you keep some type of planner, organizer, calendar, etc. with you, and do you use it regularly?
Nope.

3. Would you say that your desk is organized right now?
Nope.

4. Do you alphabetize CDs, books, and DVDs, or does it not matter?
Only with things where I want to be able to find an item quickly, such as DVDs, CDs and books. If I have a lot of something, I'll try to organise it a bit, just to make things easier in the long run.

5. What's the hardest thing you've ever had to organize?
My own life...

Well, this cold's definitely settled in for today, at least. Amazingly, I slept really well last night, thanks to my standard way of dealing with a head-cold: I have a beer before bedtime, which is odd because I very rarely drink alcohol, and take a couple of Day Nurse pills. These are the milder version of the most wonderful cold medicine ever invented, Night Nurse, which knocks me out for 14 hours and cures the problem overnight. I didn't take the latter because it's a holiday today and I didn't want to lose half the day to sleep. Pie woke me up at 7:00 anyway, by licking my eyelids. That's always a bit of a shock.

The thing that's running through my head at the moment, apart from lots of mucus, is how we all deal differently with sickness. Personally, I'm very "old school" about this, relying on traditional cures, on my body's immune system and only going to see a doctor if it's really bad. Psycho, on the other hand, is pretty much my opposite: as soon as she is ill, she'll start popping pills, rush off to see a doctor and so on.

Now, I'm not saying that either one of these is better or worse, but it amuses me to see the difference. Less amusing, however, is when someone who fits one of the categories tries to convince someone from the other category that they should act a certain way. What's that? Does this happen to me? Oh, but yes.

Psycho regularly gets uppity when I am ill. Now, don't get me wrong - she is very, very supportive and caring, as she proved when I slipped four discs and trapped six muscles in my back! Ten days lying flat, and she looked after me. What a sweetie!

However, when it comes to contagious things, she gets all jittery and upset. Many a time she has harangued me for not going to see a doctor, as she did last night. My response is quite simply that there is no cure for a cold: going to see a doctor wastes their time, when I can take aspirin on my own. Of course, what she's really worried about is catching it herself.

She ain't no biologist. She's obviously not familiar with incubation periods. Oops, too late...

You'll be seeing two entries today, since this one's been sitting here since yesterday. Apparently, my host server was down or on holiday or something, making it impossible to connect all day. Ho hum. These things happen.

On to PromoGuy's mission!

1. Are there any confrontations you have been avoiding that you know you will eventually have to deal with? What's that all about?

Yup. Mostly with Psycho. And what's it about? Well, it's about being gentle with someone who's mentally fragile, sacrificing your own happiness, temporarily, for the good of another. All the usual nice guy stuff.

2. When was the last time you surprised yourself by being more brave than you ever thought you could be?

I don't remember.

3. You know that sickly feeling you get when are speeding and out of the corner of your eye you realize you just passed a hidden police car? It is that "deer-caught-in-the-headlights" feeling, where you are so busted there is no way out. When was the last time you were in a situation like that?

I don't remember: it's extremely rare for me to have that feeling, since I'm a stoic.

4. Do you have any things stored away that you just can't get rid of but will probably of no sentimental value to anyone once you are gone? Why do we hang on to that stuff? Do you think you could sell or auction it off?

Tons of stuff. Very little I own will have value to others when I'm dead, but that's irrelevant - they didn't buy it and I wasn't thinking of posterity. I could probably sell a good 60% of the crap I have stored, but I don't see the point: I'm not so poor that a tiny extra bit of income will make a difference, so I might as well keep the crap.

5. What are some of the things you have a strong stomach for, and what are some of the things that can turn your stomach?

I have a strong stomach for things that are natural: animal poop and vomit, human vomit and so on. Disease and injury do not freak me out. Mental disorders make me only slightly uncomfortable. The things that do turn my stomach or freak me out are slimy stuff, spiders and children.

6. Have you ever been involved in an experience that started out as something good and enjoyable but eventually became destructive and bad for your health (mentally or physically)?

Many, many times.

7. Do you believe in evolution or creationism or something else?

Personally, I don't see why creationism and evolutionism are mutually exclusive: a deific start to the universe followed by the ability to grow and adapt seems perfectly reasonable to me. I don't believe 100% in the Big Bang (not that it didn't happen, just that the stuff that caused it had to come from somewhere). I also don't believe Adam & Eve actually existed (it's just another way of explaining creation). Thus, I believe (and disbelieve) both sides of that argument.

Bonus: Are you trying to tempt me?

Hello, little boy. Want to come and see my puppies?

And here's this week's Friday Five. OK, so it's no longer Friday *here*, but it is in the US. So there!

1. Name one song you hate to admit you like.
"YMCA" by The Village People.

2. Name two songs that always make you cry.
There's only one that will do this, in fact: "Who Wants To Live For Ever" by Queen. It was played at one of my best friends' funeral when he died at 24. "Trust" by The Cure dismantles me internally, but doesn't make me cry.

3. Name three songs that turn you on.
There aren't any: music doesn't do that to me. I don't personally consider that bizarre, but I guess it would be to some people. I don't even find any music sexy. I think it's that "YMCA" influence from question 1, myself.

4. Name four songs that always make you feel good.
"Missing" by Everything But The Girl
"Schöneberg" by Marmion (Paul Oakenfold's Mix)
"Hand In My Pocket" by Alanis Morrissette
"Catch" by The Cure

5. Name five songs you couldn't ever do without.
Way, way too many to list here: but five choices are:
"The Kiss" by The Cure
"Home" by Depeche Mode
"Floor Essence" by The Man With No Name
"Jóga" by Björk
"Le Vent Nous Portera" by Noir Désir and Manu Chau

I thought I'd squeeze in a late entry tonight, to do PromoGuy's Monday Mission. This should be amusing.

Tomorrow morning, I will update you all (if you are, indeed, becoming plural these days) on the events of the Evening Of Doom And Despondency, which wasn't as bad as it could have been. Anyway... on with the Mission!

The Monday Mission:

1. For yourself, what truths are absolute? Are there any absolute truths in the Universe?

There are, indeed, absolute truths. Some things are just defined and solid and cannot be changed. For me, an example of such a truth is "All humans are created equal". Another is "The Earth turns. Day becomes night. Life goes on." Yet another is "Cat pee stinks".

2. Do you believe that you are still "teachable?"

Absolutely. I learn new French words and expressions every day, and am determined to learn Japanese. No one ever ceases to be teachable, except by choice.

3. To do something well, in most situations, requires study and practice. What's the most recent thing that you have done well as a result of study and practice.

The thing I do best by study and practice, and most often, is to lie convincingly. Terrible as it may sound, it's true.

4. If you had the time/money, what do you want to lean how to do more than anything?

Fly a helicopter. I've wanted to do that for years.

5. Those around us may often try to intervene, but ultimately each individual is responsible for the choices they make in life. Tell me about a recent situation where you had a decision to make, and those around you tried to influence or direct you. Were they successful? Was that "help" welcomed?

"Should I bail Psycho out of her debt situation yet again?" The friends were split 50/50. The cat meowed an indeterminate response. The plastic alien simply stared. In the end, I did it. Why? Because in France, if you don't pay off your debt, your bank account gets sealed for 10 years and you can't have a cheque book, credit card or anything else in that time. This seems overly harsh to me.

6. Things are much easier to accept when they are given by invitation rather than being forced upon us. When was the last time you rejected something because it was forced on you? How did it happen? Did you hold a grudge about it? Was it ever resolved?

Tonight. Psycho tried to force me to take something to sleep better. I refused. I hate medicines and pill-popping for every situation. She took it well, I hold no grudge (it was for my own good, in her book) and it's resolved. She won't try to force that issue ever again, and will content herself to suggest things.

7. Are you the sort of person who questions everything, or are you able to accept things without someone providing you tangible proof?

If I trust the person enough, I will accept things. There are only two or three people in the world who I trust enough to do this.

BONUS: Ooo baby, do you know what that's worth?

I do indeed. If you're very good, I'll even sell it to you, for a small finder's fee and a little profit. And no, I don't take cheques.

Colour. That's what's missing. Yes.

I've decided I really need some colour on this blog. It just looks so... sparse. Spartan, even. It's not that I like clutter, although if you saw my apartment you'd laugh out loud at that comment, nor is it that I'm having a Feng-Shui moment. I'm definitely not having an "I must change something here or my head will explode" episode, either. I just think some colour is needed here.

Of course, with my unhealthy love of black and purple, a redesign might not be a very good idea. I'd have to re-do the title image, too, if I had a coloured background. Perhaps I cou