A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and he always gets the orders wrong. His boss tells him  if he screws up one more time, he is fired. An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. He can't find any so he gives him a laxative instead. The man takes the laxative and leaves the store. The boss comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. He points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says, "look at him he's afraid to cough".

Pet Doctor A man takes his dog to the vet claiming the dog is listless and sick. the vet examines the dog and says your animal's fine, just a bit tired, feed him vitamins. The man insists that can't be it, and presses the vet for a better workup. the vet takes a cat, puts it in front of the dog; no reaction; puts it in back of the dog; no reaction. the vet says again "your dog needs this vitamin program to restore his vitality." The man gets the bill, and it's $500. he complains "what's this for?" The vet says "$50 for the office visit, $20 for the vitamins, and $430 for the catscan."

A father of six children had been out of work for six months. In desperation, he was reading through the want ads in the paper and came across an ad for someone to work at the zoo. The man called the zoo and asked if he could have the job, but was told that he would need to come in for an interview. The next day he went to the interview, but before beginning, he was told by his potential employer that he would need to raise his hand to the square and promise that the proceedings of the interview would be kept confidential, whether he got the job or not. The man reluctantly took the oath, then asked what this job and oath were all about. The zoo owner asked the man what he thought the zoo's main attraction was. Without hesitation the man replied, "Everyone knows that. It's the big ape!" "Well," said the zoo owner, "this is the part you cannot divulge, because we would lose our business. The big ape died, and we need to keep it a secret by putting the ape skin on someone who can imitate the ape--at least until the new ape arrives in three months." "That's me!" said the man. "I can do that! I was a gymnast in high school and college." The zoo owner then challenged the man to audition by acting like an ape. The man assumed a crouched position and began running, jumping, and swinging around the room, imitating the actions and sounds of an ape. "Wow! You're really good!" said the owner, and immediately gave the man the job. The next day the man, dressed as the ape, went into the cage and was an instant hit. Everyone heard how the ape was preforming and came to the zoo to see him. The crowds got bigger and bigger as time went by, and the front page of the paper proclaimed, "The ape has gone ape!" About two months before the new ape was to arrive, the man had about five hundred people in front of his cage, and he was waxing eloquent. He was flipping and jumping and swinging everywhere, when all of a sudden, at the top of a swing, his rope broke and threw him into the lion's cage. He rolled a few times, coming to rest against the bars, and turned to find himself across the cage from the king of beasts, who lay across the cage with his head down on one paw. He knew right away that he was in trouble, so he began screaming like an ape and running back and forth along the bars in hopes that someone would rescue him from this situation. No one moved. As he looked again, the lion began to move slowly and stalk him. The lion then growled, curled his upper lip over his teeth, and assumed a position to leap. Just at this moment, the man decided that his family was more important to him than his promise to the owner of the zoo. He looked up and started screaming,

"Help! Help! I'm not really an ape, I'm a man. Get me out of here!" The lion looked at him and said in a loud whisper, "Hush up, you fool! You'll get us both fired!"

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftith birthday, so during this party he grabs the mic and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool." So the party continues with no events in the pool,

until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, wet and soaked.The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, my  Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" the millionaire asks. The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!"

Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack.   Everyone in town knew Jack as a very optimistic person. Jack, whenever placed in a terribled situation would say, "it could have been worse." Everyone in the town was tired of hearing Jack say that so one day they decided to to lie to Jack. They went up to him and said, "Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself! Isn't it terrible???" Then Jack said, "well, yes it's terrible, but it could've been worse!" The townspeople said, "How could THAT possibly be worse?" Then Jack replied, "well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!"

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in yor life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in."  The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?""Oh, about two minutes ago."

This man is going down the road, and he gets pulled over by a highway patrolman. When he gets up to the car, he tells him that he was speeding. The man is shocked, but not startled by being pulled over because he is always speeding. While the highway patrolman is standing there, he sees that the man has 9 huge knives in the back seat. He asks him what they are for, and he tells him  that they are for his act, and he is a juggler. The partolman does not believe him, and tells him to prove it. So he gets out of the car, and starts to juggle the knives. At the same time, 2 men are driving by and witness the two on the side of the road. One of the men looks to the other man and says, "Man, I sure am glad I quit drinking, those sobriety tests these days are hell!"

There were these three guys who were flying over three of the provinces. First they flew over B.C., and they dropped an apple out the window.They finished their flight and landed. They saw a man in the street laughing for a long time. They asked him "What's the matter?". The man replied "An apple just came out of nowhere and hit me on the head!!". Next they flew over Alberta, and dropped a pear. They finnished their flight again and landed. Again, they saw a man laughing like crazy! They asked him "What's the matter?". He replied "A pear just came out of nowhere and hit me on the head!"Last, they flew over Manitoba, and dropped a bomb!They finished their flight one last time, andlanded. To their surprise, another man was laughing uncontrollably! They asked him "What's the matter?"The man replied "I farted and my house blew up!"

Three men are found in the wilderness by civilized cannibals. The men are led to a gravesite next to the water. The chief says, "We will kill you as a coward, or we will let you die honarable deaths for your homelands. You choose the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our canoes." The first man, a soldier at heart, asks for a handgun. With this, he recites the Pledge and shoots himself. He is carried off. The next man asks for a sword. A warrior at heart, he uses a Japanese katana to commit seppuku as a Japanese man. The last man asks for a fork. "A fork? asks the chief?" But it's his dying wish, so they hand him the fork. He stabs himself repeatedly in the chest, and yells, "I HOPE YOUR CANOE SINKS!!"

One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me drive for ones."The driver thinks to him self, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope." So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you might get pulled over." The Pope says, "ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope." So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute."The Pope says, "sure"The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, "guys I just pulled over some one really important."They ask who, "The President?.""No more important.""The president of another country.""No more important.""An ambassador.""No even more important.""Well who is it.""I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur

Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secrect is."mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm" is the reply."I'm sorry, what did you say?""mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm" the successful  fisherman repeats."I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you."The man spits something into his hand and says very clearly, "You've got to keep your worms warm."